Parenting is a lot like a Tarantino film. Lot of questions and violent screaming.
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With my luck I would finally get a Hogwarts letter and it would say “we’ve been trying to reach you about your cars extended warranty”
Interviewer: what is your greatest weakness?
Me: I think people find me intimidating
Interviewer (nervously): maybe it has something to do with the-
Me: OMG, it has nothing to do with the giant hawk perched on my shoulder
Me in HR: I wasn’t trying to be condescending… It’s just that the boss didn’t understand and I thought the puppets might make it clearer.
[first day as lawyer]
me: obj—
judge: —shut up noob
My sister just had a baby and I texted the family group chat “oh shit new nephew just dropped” and no one found it funny they were just ashamed of me, which they should be
The #AshleyMadisonHack is getting out of hand. Site just revealed that I’ve been cheating on my diet. I’m not even sure how they’d know that
her: I’m bored
me: let me take you out and show you a good time
her: ok
[later]
me: *walking past a bar* look, everyone in there’s having funher: I see
Her: Are you even capable of love?
Me: I’m pretty sure I love pancakes.
Me: *leads my girlfriend to the lawn where I get down on one knee*
Her: OMG
Me: *feeling the grass* You’re cutting this way too short
Just had my nails done!
teenage son: [mad at me] I WISH I WAS BATMAN [slams door]
me: ok lol
[later]
me: hey what the f-
Me to my kids: don’t ever lie
Me serving any kind of meat: it’s chicken
My what?
So when is too soon to ask your friend if you can borrow their baby to reenact The Lion King? One day old? Two?
My reality check bounced, guess I’ll have to stay insane for the time being
Peace was never an option
My lack of exercise is really catching up to me. Now it’s passing me. Wow, my lack of exercise is in great shape.
[text]
H: I’m at Lowes, how wide is the door frame?
M: I measured, it’s 35 and then 3 little lines after a big long line.
notice
Once again I find myself online shopping for a velvet cloak at 4am. But fear not, me. one day you will be online shopping for something else at 4am whilst wearing a beautiful velvet cloak.
Dogs look like they’ve received some really sad news when they watch you eat.
her: u excited for the next Star Wars?
me: [sweating] did we win the last one
The two types of wives
Best Halloween yard decorations 😂
Alarm clocks would be much more effective if instead of a snooze button they just released bees.
[Enter restaurant]
WIFE: See if you can get us a table
ME: Ok[1 minute later]
ME: [sprinting towards wife, carrying table] START THE CAR
Although this might seem a bit pricey at first, please keep in mind that it takes approximately two dozen mice to make one pound, which comes out to only about nineteen cents per mouse.
My doctor wasn’t amused when he asked how much I weighed and I said
One hundred and fat
Covid has fully convinced me that we would still be working during a zombie apocalypse
longing is fun but i prefer “shorting,” where i want something for like a day and then realize never mind