Parenting is a mix of having no idea what your child is talking about and hoping to god they don’t start explaining it.
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[slamming back a whole creme egg without chewing, foil and all, in front of a horrified shopkeeper] another
Cops: COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS WHERE WE CAN SEE THEM
Invisible Hands Adam: shit
I’m eating a vegan lunch today. Sure, it’s six sleeves of Smarties and a Diet Coke, but I’m still better than you.
*swallows pride*
*gets aggressively escorted from the zoo*
I’ve only been eating 6 spiders instead of 8 every year so I’ll have plenty for retirement.
A sadist doctor keeps his stethoscope in a fridge
me: thanks for explaining what a plethora is
her: ur welcome
me: it really means a lot
[father and son riding bikes together]
dad, how’d you get so good?
[doing a wheelie] I’ve had a lot of DUIs
Thank God all of Texas can un-pucker again while they sleep.
I really hope my 2 year old daughter is this difficult to get into bed when she’s 18
I got myself a wrap on my way home at 2am & a girl outside stopped me and said “my boyfriend’s stormed off. do you want his chips?” and she gave them to me and got in her uber alone and sped away into the night. i miss her.
[making tennis equipment at 3AM]
neighbor: shut up you’re making a racket
if your religion infringes on people’s rights; sorry, you’ve had hundreds of years to change everyone’s mind- obviously that hasn’t happened
When a woman says she’ll be ready in 5 minutes, I know I have just enough time to fly to space & finish building my Death Star before we go.
HER: We broke up at his house at 10:37 pm on Tues the 17th.
HIM: She’s mad at me.
9: (watching YouTuber play old school Mario)
Me: That’s the game I used to play when I was a kid.
9: You were alive back then?
As the argument over the best way to dispose of a body escalated, I realized the date was going well.
Before you cannibalize your roommate due to cabin fever, remember that you cannot afford the rent alone. #blizzard2016
I wonder if the woman sitting in front of me at this game knows I can see every sexy text she sends her man as she sits close beside her other man.
Mugger: Give me your wallet and… is that a Rolex?
Me: It’s a fake.
Mugger: What about her diamond ring. Is that fake?
Me: *nervously look at my wife* No, no. That’s 100% real…
If she’s got matching bra and panties on you know what that means… it means both were clean at the same time simmer down
I just ate a donut before dinner & told my kids I can cuz I’m an adult so they will see growing up is awesome & eventually leave home.
I had to have a conversation with 4 about how not every older lady is his grandmother and he should stop yelling ITS GRANDMA at every old lady we see
Still laughing about that one year my wife sold her legs to buy me gloves for Christmas, and I sold my hands to buy her pants.
IT: I’m hanging up
Me: is it because I called it my lappy tappy
IT: *dial tone*
*Takes off clothes
*Enters meeting room naked
*Coworkers gasp in horror
*Slowly backs out of room[whispers] “you said debriefing”
Before Instagram:
Omg you should have seen how the parsley was placed to the left of my grilled chicken thigh
DOG 911: What’s your emer-
DOG: HE THREW A BALL BUT I CAN’T FIND IT
DOG 911: He still holding it?
DOG: YES! HOW’D HE FETCH IT BEFORE ME??
Wife: I’m going to wine down
Me: You mean wind down
Wife: No
[getting pulled over]
me: *chewing pizza* what’s the problem officer?
cop: it isn’t safe to eat and drive
me: oh I’m sorry
cop: I’ll let you off with a warning
me: thank you so mu- *pineapple chunks fall out of my mouth*
cop: *hand on gun* STEP OUT OF THE VEHICLE