@Swishergirl24

Parenting is all about multitasking. Like trying to brush your teeth while you’re rock climbing.

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@SteveKoehler22

[Mad scientist lamenting]

“All that work, trying to create
a perfect palindrome ..wasted!

DAMMIT I’M MAD !”

(Pauses)

“Hey…wait

@MelvinofYork

Me: god you’re sexy

Her (sultry whisper): I’ll bet you say that to all the women

Me (sultry whisper): not my mom

@joshcomers

“Where do you see yourself in 5 lives?” (Dalai Lama job interview)

@Super_Cynthia

In 1979, a call coming from inside the house was a reason for terror.
In 2014, it means one of you is too lazy to shout or come downstairs.

@BDublicious

I never knew the word “mom” could even have 7 syllables until I had kids.

@squirrel74wkgn

Me: I’m in charge of the shopping cart when my wife and I go to the grocery store

Cashier: …why are you telling me this?

@VaguelyFunnyDan

I’m just sick of the mixed signals, babe. One second you’re changing your phone number and the next you’re filing a restraining order.

@TheAlexNevil

“The rules are quite simple, Mr Bond: I think of a word, you guess letters in that word. If you guess wrong I draw a picture a man hanging.”