Parenting is all about multitasking. Like trying to brush your teeth while you’re rock climbing.
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Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
this cop wants me to walk the line, does he mean the wavy one or the blurry one
When did we get a dog?
-me, getting into the wrong gray minivan at Target
We can agree that making someone swear in for a job is stupid right? Like, “okay, you’re hired! But first you gotta pinky promise in front of EVERYONE that you’re not gonna suck at this”
ME: [running for my flight]
PILOT: [leaning out cockpit window] JUST GIVE UP
5-year-old daughter: Why does Mom wear makeup?
Me: To look pretty.
5: But she’s already pretty.
Me: Aww.
5: Dad, you should wear makeup.
6 yr old: Can we have cupcakes for breakfast?
Me: Absolutely not.
(I can’t tell him it’s because I ate them all around 3am.)
My 5yo asked me where his shoes were and when I told him I didn’t know he told me “that’s not a good enough answer daddy” so where is he keeping all that audacity?
Quarantine Stories: We’ve got every TV channel available to us, but my husband and I would rather watch a fly meeting its demise, as our kitchen spider who we named, “Brad Pitt,” settles down for a meal.
Maybe the Loch Ness Monster is really just giraffes that don’t want people to know they like to swim
YOU DON’T KNOW
Whoever has my voodoo doll can you give it a job
I hate when you’re having sex and you accidentally yell out the wrong Ninja turtle
My boss: you seem distracted today…
Me: sure, I’ll get that for you asap.
A fun thing about parenthood is that even when you get to close the bathroom door you’re never really alone
“Dad, are those sirens?”
“Keep your eyes on the road.”
“I think they’re chasing us!”
“You said you wanted a sister.”
“I know, but-”
“So we got you a sister.”
“That isn’t what-”
“JUST STEER THE BIKE, BOY!”
wife: you can’t give the dog a piña colada
me: why? he’s not driving
Bake a book inside a cake and help a convict escape into his or her imagination.
I don’t consider myself to be an overly dramatic person, but I have had a mosquito bite ruin my life.
I saw an attractive woman spank her kid in McDonalds after he threw his fries on the ground, so I also threw mine on the ground.
3yo wipes off the air kisses that I blow to her from across the room, which is some next level shade.
“We’re still looking for a side project”
Tornado: *raises hand* we could flip houses
“We’ve been over this, it’s not what you think it is”
Since Hemsworth didn’t go for Thanos’s head, Avengers: Infinity War is a Chris miss movie.
IF UR DATING SOMEONE
AND THEY GIVE YOU GOOSEBUMPS
BUT THEY DON’T GIVE YOU FRIES
WHY ARE YOU TOGETHER?
I threw a ball for my dog.
May be a little extravagant, but he looks great in a tux.
SCAM ALERT: if on Halloween someone leaves a large wooden horse outside your door, DO NOT bring it inside. it is a TRICK not a TREAT
This place has ruined me, I watched my mate trip and comically fall to the ground and my first reactions were: giggle and yell “parkour”.
Take your ex out tonight (one bullet oughtta do it)
My refrigerator died. In lieu of flowers, a new fridge would be nice.
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