@angrynerdyshark Keep your friend’s clothes in your enemy’s toaster.
@Swishergirl24 Parenting is all about multitasking. Like trying to brush your teeth while you’re rock climbing.
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@angrynerdyshark 
@SteveKoehler22 [Mad scientist lamenting]
“All that work, trying to create
a perfect palindrome ..wasted!DAMMIT I’M MAD !”
(Pauses)
“Hey…wait
@MelvinofYork Me: god you’re sexy
Her (sultry whisper): I’ll bet you say that to all the women
Me (sultry whisper): not my mom
@joshcomers “Where do you see yourself in 5 lives?” (Dalai Lama job interview)
@causticbob be careful
@Super_Cynthia In 1979, a call coming from inside the house was a reason for terror.
In 2014, it means one of you is too lazy to shout or come downstairs.
@BDublicious I never knew the word “mom” could even have 7 syllables until I had kids.
@squirrel74wkgn Me: I’m in charge of the shopping cart when my wife and I go to the grocery store
Cashier: …why are you telling me this?
@VaguelyFunnyDan I’m just sick of the mixed signals, babe. One second you’re changing your phone number and the next you’re filing a restraining order.
@TheAlexNevil “The rules are quite simple, Mr Bond: I think of a word, you guess letters in that word. If you guess wrong I draw a picture a man hanging.”