Parenting is basically just punctuating every conversation with various commands:
“Yes, I like your picture. Put on your shoes.”
“My favorite color is yellow. Finish your breakfast.”
“No, fish don’t snore. Go brush your teeth.”
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Rocky is my favourite movie about beating meat
Seth Rogen: Hey man, I’m bored
James Franco: Ok fine, we’ll make another movie
SR: Oh do we have a new script?J: [Laughs in James Franco]
S: [Laughs in Seth Rogen]
How does one “schmooze”, and what is it? It sounds like tissue paper may be necessary
Probably not a coincidence that Janice from Facebook posted her green bean casserole recipe and Facebook lost $150 billion in market value.
[crime scene]
*detective snaps pics of murder victim*
Corpse: delete it
*Buys map of world, pins it up on wall*
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Visits the middle of the Atlantic Ocean*
People with nuclear weapons are now effectively calling each other poopy pants. I’m gonna stop coming to work now.
The fact that Zillow isn’t a pillow company is a goddamn tragedy, it’s a pillow plus zzz!
You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.
Guy: Why does everyone call you “Gross Gary”?
Gary: [filling a canteen with hotdog water] Nobody calls me that.
I’ve developed a program that checks my Facebook each day and automatically sends “Happy Birthday” posts. I run it on a cloud service that’s so cheap that I’ve loaded it with enough credit for it to run autonomously for ten years. I’m worried it’ll keep going after I die.
My wife doesn’t have a Honey-Do list. She has a Cantaloupe list, which has all the girls I’m not allowed to run away with
WIFE: Wanna split the last slice of pizza?
ME: Nah, you take it
KING SOLOMON (entering dramatically): You, sir, are the pizza’s real mother
*At the bank
Teller: And how would you like your cash?Me: Non sequential and in a brown bag.
Teller: You asked to withdraw 20 dollars…
Me: exactly
Teller:…
Me: Can I still have a lollipop?
The folks who named Good & Plenty just flat-out phoned it in.
men invented arm wrestling so they could hold hands and look in each other’s eyes
If I lived in England I would approach my boss on payday and say “pound me.”
I yelled at my cat and the other cats yelled at me like wow k pay my mortgage then
Where’s a careening bus when you need it?
*aliens return to ship*
ALIEN LEADER: Where are the humans?
“We left them”
AL: Why?
“They didn’t look anything like their selfies in rl”
*buying teacher’s gifts*
7: Mrs. J said she hates candles.
Me: {recalling mountain of homework every night} Pumpkin Spice Candle it is then!
‘Perfectly preserved 90s Burger King’ is the result I want from a skincare product
Really, every section of the greeting card aisle could be called “Societal Obligation.”
*calls child protective services*
PROTECTIVE SERVICES: Why would you name me this, mom?
My wife [sexily] – “why don’t we…turn out the light?”
Me, a moth – “no”
Me as a kid: when I’m an adult I’m gonna stay up all night and eat whatever I want
Me as an adult: If I don’t finish this glass of water and get to bed by 9 I will die
My daughter saw a frog in the yard today so I won’t be leaving the house.
Girl, is your name “Schedule” ?
Because I’m always running behind ya.
{Outside burning building}
HER: Don’t be a hero!ME: *Very much enjoying my ice cream* I had literally not even considered it.