Parenting is basically telling your kids they need to eat more fruit then telling them to quit eating all the fruit.
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North Korea is like that annoying kid in high school who was always threatening you with nuclear weapons
Customer: We are never coming back!
Me: Promise?
BREAKING NEWS: Today I used a piece of wood that I kept in my garage since 2006 in case I might need it.
[Murderer chasing me]
Murderer: YOU’VE DROPPED YOUR WALLET
Me: oh, I thought you wanted to kill me
Murderer: *ruffles my hair* I’m a murderer, not a thief! *starts stabbing me*
Me to husband: I’m about to cook, but first, can you do that thing I like?
Him: *disables smoke alarm*
Watching a show about women who choose to give birth outside. Like, let’s take the most painful experience of my life and add bugs and shit.
Me: kill me now!
Murderer, from behind curtain: i was going to surprise you
I don’t really have a “blood type.” I think all bloods can surprise you if you just give them a chance.
“What’s the worst that can happen?”
Buddy I’ve got anxiety, I’ll make you a list
Theres a dating website for people that believe the government is ran by lizard people so I really have no excuse for being single
The year is 2087. We finally have flying cars. Grey’s Anatomy has been on for 82 years.
[bank holdup]
Bank teller: interesting choice in masks
Me: The box said it moisturizes and cleans the pores
You know you’re getting old when you fall down and wonder what else you can do while you’re down there.
I put up Diwali lights, and can’t wait to flex on other dads by telling them I’m all set for Christmas
i was going to get married, but
my wife refuses to sign the
divorce papers
Me: [at the gym] arm or leg day?
Octopus: [crying] I’m not sure
Jesus probably figured things out when everyone kept calling it the Last Supper.
Me, to teenage son: You just keep trying and trying until it eventually goes in
Wife, whispering to me: What the hell were you teaching him about
Me: USB sticks
Wife: Oh thank god
Pee after storming area 51 or else youll get a ufo
Therapist: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Would I be here if I did? Did you really go to school for this shit?
Pffft. Call me when you can cut the sexual tension with a spoon.
“Change is never easy…”
~McDonalds employees
So is Walmart a verb now?
As in, “I’m out of clean underwear, so I’m going to have to Walmart it today.”
My GF: so… do you like my new nylons?
Me [thinking about robbing a bank]: oh yes
Coworker sneezed, and said “Oh my. I don’t know where that came from.”
I’m no Scientist, but I’m pretty sure it came from her nose.
Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that are excited for the car ride until we realize where we’re going.
Work meetings would be a lot more fun if they took place in a giant McDonalds ball pit
Some mistakes you only make once, like sniffing your kids’ clothes to see if they’re dirty or clean
Whoever says Paper beats Rock is an idiot. Next time I see someone say that I will throw a rock at them while they hold up a sheet of paper
I honestly don’t know what my family would do without me.
I’m the only one that knows how to find the correct version of my toddler’s favorite song on YouTube.