Parenting is being woken up at midnight to answer “mumma if sharks don’t have bones how do they have skeletons?”
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he said he hasn’t touched my anti aging serum but one of his palms clearly looks younger than the other
barista: how do u take your coffee
me, a twitter idiot: with my hand
My kid criticized my handwriting on her birthday card so yes, all those hours of drug-free labor were totally worth it.
Dishes are like boyfriends. My roommate should really stop doing mine
There is absolutely nothing to stop your dentist from putting small tracking devices in your mouth. How would you know. You wouldn’t
I shaved my legs today and drew the hair back on. I don’t get it, eyebrow ladies, I don’t get it.
*wear sunscreen*
*go up to a guy named Ray and punch him in the nose*
*now laugh because sunscreen protects you from ultra violent Rays*
[driving]
Me: I don’t know where we are.
3-year-old: I do. We’re in the car.
the only difference between a hoarder and a collector is the smell
A bee is willing to end it’s own life just to cause you a tiny amount of pain. I can relate to that level of pettiness.
[waffle house]
Waitress: how do u like your eggs
Me: hatched and with their families
W: no how do u like them cooked
M: [spits out coffee]
If bedbugs live in your bed then what the hell are cockroaches
The court system could save a lot of money on psychological exams by reading Facebook posts to determine if a person is crazy.
Hell hath no fury like a woman being told she looks tired.
I seduce the ladies with my encyclopedic knowledge of dung beetle larvae.
The Internet is good for two things
1) People without clothes
2) Animals with clothes
“that’s not actually your good side” look wal mart photographer I don’t have the energy for you to do me like this today
[4:30am]
ME: *shifts slightly in bed*
DOG: *races across house* IS IT TIME TO GO OUT NOW?
Eminem walks into a bar.
Bartender: You only get one shot.
When you realize Christmas and easter take place in the same universe..
Geez, I’m so sorry…I’m not normally ticklish.
(me to the nail lady I just kicked in the face during my pedicure)
if a job listing has “rockstar” anywhere in the description: run.
Then: He has a woman in each port.
Now: He has a woman on each server.
Hey, cooking directions on the sides of packages: Nobody knows the wattage of their microwave.
Janitor (pulling a dead cat out of Hadron Collider) Here’s your problem right here.
Replying to all emails with “ya think?”.
Judge: Have you any words before I pronounce sentence?
Me: Yes. Could you also pronounce Worcestershire?
You’re so vain, you probably think me driving by your house 27 times at 2 a.m. wearing all black with binoculars is about you, don’t you.
Doctor: Are you eating a balanced diet?
Me: *thinking about that one time last year I ordered coleslaw as my KFC side*
Me: yes.
I’m teaching my students proper grammar by having them edit poorly written Yelp reviews. You’re welcome.