Parenting is cheering on your kid’s winning softball team all weekend and then cheering on the Sunday rain for cancelling the rest of the games.
You Might Also Like
I missed your birthday because I didn’t log onto Facebook that day. #LetsBeReal
°pulls up to drive-thru°
[ME] ONE NUMBER 4 WITH A COKE
[FREIND] aren’t you on a diet
[ME] oh yeah..AND A BOOK ABOUT MANNERS FOR MY FRIEND
dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you’re cooking and you accidentally boil him with the noodles
God: so you shoot them with the arrows
Cupid: yes
God: and then they fall in love
Cupid: right
God: with other compatible people
Cupid: uh well-
God: who will love them back
Cupid:
God:
Cupid: sure
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
AUDIOBOOK ENGINEER: Out loud.
ME: Oh.
Matthew 28, John 20. Luke 24, Mark 21. That means Matthew and Luke will meet in the finals.
You raised me and taught me everything I know. Happy Father’s Day, internet.
[Man chasing me through the woods wearing a hockey mask]
GIVE ME BACK MY PUCK
I only sleep on one side of my bed because the clean laundry sleeps on the other.
Fun Fact:
Over 23.6% of relationships fail because one of the partners doesn’t like The Princess Bride.
respond to every april fools joke by staring the person directly in the eye and saying “yes, that truly was a fool’s joke”
Me: You know, one nice thing about being snowed in all weekend is we haven’t had to spend any money.
Wife: (clicking add to cart) So nice.
If my 5yos are holding something when I buckle them into their car seats, there’s a 150% chance they’ll hit me in the face with it.
I just did yoga. No wait, yogurt.
– Twitter Closing inactive accounts
– Google Closing Inactive accounts
– Internet Archive & Wayback Machine Under Attack
– Nintendo going after Emulators
I’m starting to see a pattern. Now would be the time to back up ANYTHING you have not secured locally.
After 7 years of training in the medical fields & hard work,a very good friend of mine was fired after one minor indiscretion.He slept with a client&can now no longer work in the profession.What a waste.A genuinely nice guy&an absolutely brilliant mortician.
u spoke cat all this time??????
me: your honor, the defense rests.
judge: well they picked a pretty stupid time to take a nap i mean they’re on trial for murder.
The Pope quit. Meteor in Russia. Snowing in Arizona. Star Wars and Star Trek have the same director. Who the hell is playing Jumanji?
There will always be a special place in my heart for my atrioventricular septum.
Me *writing*: she was like 12 slices of key lime pie in a dress- tart, cool, totally whipped.
Her: I can hear you.
Me: she could hear me
“That’s gonna drive me nuts” – peanut farmer showing off his new truck
on a date with a guy who got evicted for chewing through all the wires in his house
“Remember Robert from work?”
Yeah..he was a douche.
“He died.”
WHAT?!? OMG..He was such a nice guy!
sure nickleback is great but have you guys ever heard of quarterback? they’re like 5 times better
My pet bird bit me so I showed him a picture of a rotisserie chicken
I think my downstairs neighbors are beginning to suspect I’m living in their attic.
Our cat is an opera when she’s hungry
*leans over uncomfortably close to you at a funeral*
“I get so drunk at these things. Who’s in the box?”
Just settled a divorce over Parrot custody/visitation. Neither may teach it negative phrases abt the other.
I went to law school for this.