Parenting is cheering on your kid’s winning softball team all weekend and then cheering on the Sunday rain for cancelling the rest of the games.
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Is Vanilla Ice’s son named Vanilla Extract? Cuz he should be.
I feel like every girl needs a “fella drawer” if you plan on having frequent guests.
20s: lol
30s: omg
40s: wtf
[1st date]
Him: Wanna come back to my place for a bit?Me: I thought you’d never ask
Him: Oh, really? *winks*
Me: Yes, I need somewhere less crowded to summon the Dark Lord
People keep asking if they can help me by watching my newborn. She doesn’t make me watch cocomelon, leave toys all over the floor, or scream that her brother is looking at the her. Take the older two.
doctor it hurts when i do this *checks bank account*
My teen is in an outdoor class where they take the kids fishing and the catch of the day goes home with the lucky student. You can only imagine how proud I was to see my son victoriously running to the car at pickup holding up a large rubber boot
Me: *practices best man speech while shaving in front of mirror*
Driver’s ed instructor: stop the car
The first rule of Thesaurus Club is, you don’t talk about, mention, speak of, discuss, chin wag, natter or chat about Thesaurus Club.
wayward son: alright, i’m done, where’s the pizza
kansas: no we said PEACE when-
wayward son: you’re screwing with me right
Tiny son: Mommy, did you know, inside a turtle shell there is a little bed, a TV, and a tiny kitchen?
I put a message in a bottle and threw it in the Ocean. The note said “I have Tuberculosis and I coughed in this bottle”
Waking up an hour early gives you an extra hour to wish you were still in bed.
me: my mom’s here to visit
him: oh. did you meet her at the bus station?
me: no i’ve pretty much known her my whole life
Sleeping without you is a waste of bed.
Mary: I’m pregnant
Joseph: but how you’re a virgin
Mary: oh god
Joseph: okay makes sense
Entered what I ate today into my new fitness app and it just sent an ambulance to my house.
I just learned to use Instagram, so you guys can all rest assured that it is officially no longer cool.
I found eleven dollars in the dryer this morning and spent the rest of my day interviewing investment advisors.
ELEPHANT COP: I recognize you
LION: I just have one of those familiar faces
ELEPHANT COP: You don’t know who the hell you’re dealing with
Him: What’re you eating?
Me: All of it.
My friend got fired and his boss emailed him to ask about some stuff. He responded by offering a daily consulting rate of 4x his previous salary. LOL
Weekend #HayaoMiyazaki
Give a man a fish, he eats for a day.
Teach a man to fish, and you’ll have the weekends to yourself.
Apparently my kids think, “Be quiet for a half hour so I can take a nap,” actually means, “Host a rave in the hallway.”
I feel like trying new things in bed. Like getting up for instance.
Just a little reminder..
If mushrooms can grow through shit, so can you.So can you!
Just watched 3 people jogging outside and it has inspired me to get up and close the blinds.
I have a plan. I bring him home ,but don’t sleep with him.
Long story short he pays for the taxi.
My husband bought me a holiday throw pillow after complaining that we have too many throw pillows. He said “Holiday pillows don’t count because they’re temporary.”
I don’t think he understands the floodgate he just opened.