Parenting is cool because:
-it’s the hardest thing you’ve ever done
-the stakes are the highest they’ve ever been
-no one can tell you how to do it
-you have to make a million choices every day
-there’s no way to ever know if any of them were correct
-socks just constantly vanish
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People criticise me for chasing squirrels in the park but I trust my dog
EARTH: Let’s just be friends
MOON: Ok I understand [circles the earth for 4 billion years]
If you replace “umbrella” with “Nutella” in Rihanna’s song, the song still works, if not more so.
if you think the last 12 months dragged on, just think how your dog feels. he’s probably sick of having you home for the 7 years
I don’t like revenge. Just one venge is enough.
Every person over 50, every Autumn: It sure is a pretty Fall this year, although not as pretty as last year.
jesus [resurrected from the dead]: alright boys let’s get them eggs
peter: w-what
jesus: egg hunt it’s a thing we’re doing now
john: are you ok
peter: jesus you seem a little… off
jesus: *turning chicken into marshmallow* you have to do this every year
From what I can piece together, this Pitbull character enjoys “partying”
Me: When I die, cremate me and dump my ashes in the Gulf.
15: Ok
Me: And a memorial bench by the beach.
15: No, you’re not getting a bench, they cost a fortune. Not a chance. I’ll slap a sticker with your name on it on a bench outside of Target and we’ll call it a day.
Doctor: I’m sorry, but your Dad’s in a coma.
Teen: Huh?
Doctor: He’s in airplane mode now.
Teen: OHHH NOOOOO!!
the problem with buying a lovely loaf of bread is you then need to eat it in three days. toast for breakfast, sandwiches for lunch, toast for dinner, bread for a snack, bread in salad, bread as a hat, make a bread friend called bread and spend the night watching bread together
The pool supply sales lady told me I should shock my swimming pool once a week, so I keep showing it my senior picture.
“I really thought by now we’d all have robots,” he wrote, typing on a small device containing the sum of the world’s knowledge.
I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.
I bought a bathing suit yesterday and the automated voice said “unexpected item in bagging area”.
Coworker: You look angry.
Me: I’m not.
CW: Really angry.
Me: THIS IS MY NORMAL FACE
I wish Play-Doh tasted as good as it smells.
I wish I would remember that it doesn’t.
Just texted my brother to see how his fantasy football went today but it autocorrected to “what’s your fantasy” and now it seems we are closer than ever
Today my youngest has her “preschool graduation,” and oh, how I will try to control my tears*
*of joy that she will be in school full day come fall
I was told to be more optimistic so I’ve decided french fries aren’t bad for me.
it’s so funny that the veggie used to make veggie chips is just a potato
they are potato chips
My friend keeps saying that every time he goes to Taco Bell he gets diarrhea.
I said, try ordering Tacos instead.
me: hi do you take walk-ins
the morgue: what
My daughter gave me a coupon book for Mother’s Day and told me to pick one, so I chose the clean your room coupon. She immediately began crying because I was supposed to choose the free hug instead.
boy calls me cute: thanks i guess
boy calls me funny: *voice muffled as I pull my shirt over my head* so I’m thinking a destination wedding
We can’t deny our basic human instincts, like automatically thinking we kind of already know how to play the harmonica whenever we hold one.
[At job interview]
Interviewer: So tell me why you want this job.
Me: I have no money and I prefer when I have money.
If I were a literary character, I would be the grandpa in Charlie & The Chocolate Factory that doesn’t get to go
The twin sisters that live next door to me, shower is broke so they’re using mine. So, you know what that means…
More hair in my drain.
Any dog can be a guide dog if you don’t care where you’re going