Parenting is easy once you learn the secret. For the love of god, please tell me the secret.
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A pleasant day enough to misarrange slightly some words.
I retweeted my boss to let her know that I know she’s tweeting during the meeting.
The only remnant I have of my youth is the inability to open a pill bottle.
I’m on a roof fixing gutters. If I was on roofies, I’d be in a gutter. HAHAHAH I’M SO FUNNY!
The new guy at work has been getting a lot of customer complaints lately.
Probably because I wear his name tag when he’s not there.
Husband: “I’m gonna go back on my keto diet”
Me: “So you want me to throw out these Kit Kats?”
H: “Well, let’s not be hasty now!”
CUTE JOKE ALERT!
the nutty professor works in macadamia academia.
CUTE JOKE OVER!
The walk of shame:
When you toss a paper ball in trash, miss, then have to go get it.
This LSD may be taking a turn, but I think this pony rabbit is a piece of shit insurance salesman.
I had a long list of important things that I had to get done today. I lucked out, I can’t find it. Anyone free for lunch?
My waiter just told me he fancies himself as “an edgy comedian”
Pray for me
The fact that Mitt Romney opted to see Twilight instead of Lincoln this weekend probably sums up what his presidency would’ve been like.
A bodybuilding and pastry shop business called John Cena-bon
Looking for investors
Doctor: When he wakes from this coma, we don’t know if he’ll be the same or have brain damage
Me *opening eyes* gonna buy a duck and call it Dan Quackroyd
Doctor: Oh no
Wife: Oh shit he’s the same
16 yr old nephew bought me a Miley Cyrus CD. He said “Listen to it, it’ll change your mind. It did change my mind. I used to like my nephew.
this november isn’t novembering the way previous novembers, novembered.
STOP FLIRTING WITH YOUR UNCLE AT YOUR WEDDING WITH YOUR COUSIN #HouseOfTheDragon
An unboxing video but it’s the toys my kid buried under her bed and forgot she had…
JOCKEY: “Watch me whip”
HORSE: “Watch me neigh neigh”
pope: love all
*everyone cheers*
*he serves a tennis ball right into the crowd*
pope: fifteen-love
The only time my wife will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground
There’s no I in team but there is an I in marriage. There’s also ME, AA and RAGE.
Don’t be mean to people. With the way the economy is going, you might have to eat those people and your anger is just going to make their meat all stressed out and stringy. Choose love.
Remember fellas, always take comfort in the fact that most hot girls are a fuckin pain in the arse
For the last 60 days, a guy from Tinder has texted me some variation of “Hi. How are you?”
I reply, “Good. You?”
And the conversation trails off there or after a few more texts.
He never makes plans to go out.
I guess he’s just making an Excel spreadsheet about how I am.
FRIEND: My kid was mvp of his basketball team.
ME: My kid misses when he tries to high-5
Me: I’ll end up doing the laundry later or later.
Husband: Don’t you mean “I’ll do it sooner or later”?
Me: Aww thanks babe, I hate laundry.
Passing by a group of ladies:
*conversation stops*
Walking back by:
*conversation stops*Me *giddy* I take their breath away!
When I was little, my mom would read my fortune cookie. It would say things like, “Never lie about brushing your teeth or they will fall out,” or “Don’t play with Hanna, she’s not a nice girl,” or “Tomorrow you’re getting shots, don’t cry.”
#LiesYourParentsToldYou
cop: the perp was found with red paint on his fingers, so i guess you could say he was caught.. *looks at camera* why is there a camera here