Parenting is filled with wonder. Like wondering why your 4yo raced into the kitchen and quietly grabbed a handful of napkins.
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12 decided he’s into vinyl, so he got a record player for Christmas. His new name is DJ TURNITDOWN!
If I could go back and do it all over again I’d be born into money
Friend: How about a play date today?
Me: I’m sorry. My son has practice.
Friend: What kind of practice?
Me: Practicing how to cancel plans.
That’s classic.
[if I was in horror movies, a thread]
jock: let’s split up
me: no
Getting super good at pushing people away then wondering why I’m all alone.
*sneaks into neighbor’s garage & stuffs confetti into the nozzle of his leaf blower*
sometimes I wonder if Einstein’s friends were ever able to say “nice work, Einstein” without sounding sarcastic
Me: OMG WHAT THE HELL
Child: The news said it’s more sanitary to sneeze into an elbow.
Me: THEY MEAN YOUR OWN ELBOW
My iPhone no longer recognizes my Face ID.
Come on Apple, it’s like 5 pounds. 10 max.
Me to Hitman: in the bedroom. He is big.
Hitman*pulls gun & enters* where is he?
Me: on the wall!
Hitman: that’s a spider
Me: kill it!
I don’t even bother moving when my Fitbit is charging. There’s no point.
[couples therapy]
HER: His obsession with Star Wars is tearing us apart
ME: *covering my Yoda doll’s ears* Hear you he can, Karen
me: i don’t know what to order
waiter: the chef’s special?
me: I’m sure he is
[first date]
HER: So, I hear you’re a dog person-
ME: [tucking my tail between my legs] WHO TOLD YOU
I’m sexually attracted to the glass sections of a house.
French windows?
No but I’ve snogged patio doors.
It’s time to clean the refrigerator when something closes the door from the inside…
I’m missing the VMAs. Who’s losing? Is it music?
It’s not everyday you get to see stuff like this
boss: can i see you in my office
me: [sheathing sword] why
Conversation between my mom and my 12 year old brother. I am in tears.
Imagine the effort it took this dolphin to propose, then the woman he loves does this in front of him? Just awful.
Thelma and Louise driving off a cliff, but it’s just me holding my friend’s hand until the scary part of the car wash is over
You have tattoos and curves?
*unbuttons pants*
You’re also batshit crazy?
*takes off pants*
You listen to Paramore?
*puts on clothes*
Me: I’m sorry but visiting hours are over
Her: This is our bedroom
Me: You’ll have to come back tomorrow
i’m sure it’s fine, you just gotta shake it up a bit
ah, yes. the elusive llamarshmallow.
Me: [from inside a sealed cardboard box] I’m the total package.
Everyone else at speed dating:
I mix up the Marvel and DC universes on purpose just for the angry sex