Parenting is great if you want to relive every moment from your childhood when your parents got mad at you – from your parents’ perspective.
You Might Also Like
dam girl
bouncer: I’m going to have to ask you to leave
me: why
bouncer: I have no idea who you are and this is my trampoline
If you hate pooping alone may I suggest having children?
[inventing potato chips]
CEO: they’re so fragile, how will they be packaged?
Inventor: in a sturdy box
CEO: nah, let’s go with a bag
Inventor: but they’ll get crushed!
CEO: fill the bag with air
Inventor:
CEO: really strong air
Made my daughter dinner last night and she told me it was really good as long as she took tiny bites and used lots of ketchup
Beer: When are you coming home.
Me: Right away honey.See. Marriage works. Just choose the right wife.
Christmas Eve is good because you can shout “DON’T COME IN HERE!!!” and people assume you’re wrapping their presents, rather than just wanting to be left alone.
I thought I heard a noise last night so I got my bat and crept into the kitchen just to find out it was my own stomach grumbling.
10: Dad, what’s a cliffhanger?
Me: Well, son …
[to be continued]
I have explained who the California Raisins are to two people today and I am starting to wonder if I made them up.
Scooby-Doo led me to believe that if I were ever really scared, I should run super-fast in place.
*picks out all the marshmallows from your Lucky Charms*
*replaces them with Flintstones vitamins*You looked a little sickly.
Just called the number of a guy I met last night and a pizza place answered. I didn’t even know you could live in pizza places. I’m in love!
Just saw a girl wearing a “BAD GAL” t-shirt so I yelled “NO!” & smacked her on the nose with a rolled up newspaper.
Some people cry when they meet a celebrity. Big deal! I cry when I meet anybody, whether they’re famous or not. It’s called being scared of the world, sweetie, look it up.
A kitchen sponge is a better environment for growing bacteria than a petri dish.
If you really want to impress me with the year a bottle of wine was made, bring me one from 2024….
please tell me about an extremely niche section of twitter that you never knew existed until you made them angry. one time i made Feed Swans Bread Twitter angry after i suggested food alternatives. FOR MONTHS I got angry tweets, until I finally deleted it. YOUR TURN.
I choose toothpaste NOT recommended by dentists… those sneaky tooth-fiddlers have a lot to gain from promoting one that doesn’t work.
Going to ask HR if our insurance covers back braces because I’m carrying this whole damn team
Me, sophisticated:
*tastes wine* Mmm, is this a red?
Didn’t realize how much I drank over the holiday. The Urgent Care doc wants to put my liver in a walking cast.
Waiting for a Sesame Street episode where Elmo puts paper over Rocco, killing him instantly
It doesn’t matter how angrily I type in my password. I am still wrong.
Went for a run last night and saw one of my neighbors already has his Christmas lights up
All I could think was, why the hell am I running rn?!
me: where did you put my gravy boat?
son: on the table, next to the lettuce
me: the lettuce, the ICEBURG lettuce?
son: dad, stop with the titanic jokes
[furiously scribbles HE’S LYING on a piece of paper and pushes it across the table]
My Girlfriend: The waiter isn’t lying about the specials
Happy 10th birthday to your dating profile pic.
I bought a toilet seat from Amazon and now they keep sending me emails asking if I’m interested in buying a toilet seat like I’ve got like 20 toilets in the mansion I don’t live in.