Parenting is groaning when you have to watch the same movie for the 300th time, but also mad when the kid interrupts the movie because you’re actually watching it
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Her: Men are lucky. You just get to wake up & be hot.
Me: Not true. I still have to put my contacts in so I can see how hot I look.
H: …
Twitter is cool because you can sit in your underwear and talk to friends and if you try that in real life you will no longer be allowed within 500 feet of ANY Starbucks
If you don’t walk sideways chanting ‘crab people’ when holding tongs, we can’t be friends.
“Mom guess what I’m getting married!!!”
Is he rich?
“I think so. His name is Charles Mansion”
Kids, do not try this at home!
I really wish I had the power to put on a crown of pipette tips and command my cultures to do what I wanted them to do 👑
The wife is approaching! *Close Twitter, close favstar, close youporn, close match .com, delete history, open google and stare at screen
my ex never cleaned the coffee filter basket. it was grounds for divorce . folks,,
captain: enemy sub approaching, activate the sauna
1st mate: dont you mean sonar
captain (already in towel): full steam ahead
I listen to your prayers, but only to correct their grammar.
I’m at my most ninja when the motion sensor sink don’t work.
You know what this healthy salad needs? Stale bread
– the inventor of croutons
If she licks all the frosting off her face with a single 360 degree sweep of the tongue, she might be Scooby Doo.
i’m not surprised they turned on steve bannon… everyone always resents the hottest person in the group of friends
[being murdered]
Me: omg barry? from high school?
Barry: no way {stab} dave?
Me: this isn’t cuz of some high school thing is it?
Barry: oh nonono {stabstabstab} you were great. {stab} this is just a thing i do now
Me: k good {still being stabbed} you had me worried for a sec
Atleast it’s not a pyramid scheme 🤷🏼♀️😂
Pilot: There’s a loose…
Engineer: Tape.
P: And some rivets hav…
E: Tape.
P: Also signs of metal fatigu…
E: Tape.
P: And a panel is missi…
E: Tape.
P: Hydraulic failu…
E: Tape.
P: Th…
E: Tape.
P:
E: Tape.
If you think Floyd Mayweather vs. Logan Paul is going to be a big fight, wait until my wife finds out I just spent $50 to watch it.
I have obtained an authentic audio recording of the two girls who work at the vegan ice cream place saying I “always pick the perfect toppings” and “look too handsome to be lactose intolerant”.
Kids today: Find out school is cancelled via text
Me: Had to wake up at 5 a.m. and watch the bottom of the tv screen like the NFL Draft
Who needs Botox when some discreetly placed scotch tape and social distancing are a thing.
*doorbell rings, I open door*
Alien: Hi! Do you have a moment so I can teach you highly advanced life skills that will save your species?
Me: Yes! My vacuum is making a funny noise. Could you look at it?
Alien calls back to mothership: Can’t I just vaporize her?
Pregnancies really fly by when they are someone else’s
Lego: Build your own goddamn toys.
My guardian angel probably spends most of their day just deleting my draft tweets
I told him I like a big vocabulary and now he won’t stop using 72pt font.
I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.
My rapper alter ego is “lil green onion” because I’m a rapscallion
Can’t
I’m serenading the neighbors with my harmonica at 2am