@ristolable I like my women like I like my coffee. I look at coffee but I am afraid to talk to it
@eff_yeah_steph Parenting is just putting throw pillows back on the couch every ten minutes until you die.
You Might Also Like
@ristolable 
@KayArePea My last relationship was so bad, it featured Pitbull.
@7_Cents Walruses? Walri? Walrus?
Anyway…They’ve escaped.
@truegritrumble ME: *taking their hand* It’s okay. We all struggle with connecting.
RABBID RACCOON: *hissing & desperately trying to wrench its hand free*
@Darlainky I slept well. My eyebrows evidently tossed and turned.
@Thynebear Yeah, if Albert Einstein is so smart then why is he dead?
@Proxic0n Who called them fake potatoes and not imitaters.
@KyleMcDowell86 *I reach for the thermostat*
*my dad runs in barking*
*neighbor’s dad starts barking*
*within seconds all the neighborhood dads are barking*
@TheHatdog Shake what your momma gave you.
*shakes unemployed brother*
@kelkulus Sometimes at the gym I’ll struggle and make all kinds of awkward grunting sounds, but eventually I’ll get my shorts on.