I like my women like I like my coffee. I look at coffee but I am afraid to talk to it
Parenting is just putting throw pillows back on the couch every ten minutes until you die.
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My last relationship was so bad, it featured Pitbull.
Walruses? Walri? Walrus?
ME: *taking their hand* It’s okay. We all struggle with connecting.
RABBID RACCOON: *hissing & desperately trying to wrench its hand free*
I slept well. My eyebrows evidently tossed and turned.
Yeah, if Albert Einstein is so smart then why is he dead?
Who called them fake potatoes and not imitaters.
*I reach for the thermostat*
*my dad runs in barking*
*neighbor’s dad starts barking*
*within seconds all the neighborhood dads are barking*
Shake what your momma gave you.
*shakes unemployed brother*
Sometimes at the gym I’ll struggle and make all kinds of awkward grunting sounds, but eventually I’ll get my shorts on.