Parenting is just putting throw pillows back on the couch every ten minutes until you die.
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“I was in so many vaginas in college my buddies called me Danpon. Anywho, tell me all your hopes and dreams.” – Me on first date/last date
mom had nothing to worry about
[Me]: What’s a snowman’s favorite drink?
[Bartender]: idk
[Me]: Brrrr-bon lol
[Bartender]: …
[Me]: jk snowmen don’t drink they aren’t real
Anytime I see a tweet in a different language, I read it as “Oo ee Oo ah ah, ting tang walla walla bing bang.”
Me: If I had a nickel for every time a guy interrupted me, I’d-
Some guy: Be rich?
Me: -put them in a sock and hit you with it
There is a huge body of evidence to support the notion that me and the police were put on this earth to do extremely different things.
I met my wife on Tinder.!
*After 4 months of marriage
Don’t tell me you’re coming to my party on facebook then go for something better last minute ugh have fun at “the wake” or whatever
Can’t believe there was a time someone had to make me take a nap.
*looks gift horse in the mouth
Gift Horse: Hey, my eyes are up here.
says those 3 little words that get any woman hot and bothered: “the ac’s broken”
*armadillo comes rolling back in the ball return*
“Wait.. if you’re here, then…”
*cut to wife sobbing at bowling ball* “UNCURL, FREDRICK!”
[Going through customs]
Anything to declare, sir?
1…2…
Sir, what are you–
3…4…I declare a thumb war!
Oh bring it on
*misses flight*
This is amazing.
Big Bad Wolf: I’m here for the cookout
Three Little Pigs: We’re not letting you in
Big Bad Wolf: This blows. Heeeeyyy, wait just a minute!
Son: the devil made me do it
Me: what did I say about that
Son: not to call my sister the devil
I think one of the most amazing displays of democracy in history is that one thousand islands managed to come together and agree on a single dressing.
Getting a speeding ticket in Alabama wasn’t what upset me. What upset me was how long he took to give it to me and he put me behind 15 minutes on my GPS arrival time so I had to speed the rest of the way anyway.
HIGH SCHOOL BAND TEACHER: Look, you’ve failed at every other classical instrument we have. Do you think you could manage the triangle?
ME: I’ll make you proud, sir!–CONCERT NIGHT–
ME, standing outside, banging on triangle with a ladle: CONCERT’S READY, Y’ALL! COME N’ GIT IT!
i am in another room with the door open and she has food and water, and yet, my cat is out in the hallway meowing like she’s wandering through a post-apocalyptic wasteland and is the sole survivor
Judge: So, you maintain that he took advantage of you?
Her: Yes Your Honor!
Judge: When did you realize this?
Her: When his check bounced
Used ACME paint on an accent wall and now there’s a highway running through my living room.
The cat treats me like a king. Constantly planning to kill me so he can take my place in the chair.
Her: What do you notice that’s different about me?
Me: I’ll just sleep on the sofa, see you in the morning.
Surprised Scarlett Johansson didn’t leg sweep Travolta, throw him over her should onto his back and put her foot on his throat.
Material Girl is my favorite song about a seamstress.
Alexa give me one million dollars I know you have it
Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.
When I lay all my cards out on the table, people be like “Damn, where you get all them cards?”
“Nobody will embarrass the UFC more than Jon Jones”
Conor McGregor-“Hold my beer bro”