Parenting is just putting throw pillows back on the couch every ten minutes until you die.

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I like my women like I like my coffee. I look at coffee but I am afraid to talk to it


My last relationship was so bad, it featured Pitbull.


Walruses? Walri? Walrus?

Anyway…They’ve escaped.


ME: *taking their hand* It’s okay. We all struggle with connecting.
RABBID RACCOON: *hissing & desperately trying to wrench its hand free*


I slept well. My eyebrows evidently tossed and turned.


Yeah, if Albert Einstein is so smart then why is he dead?


Who called them fake potatoes and not imitaters.


*I reach for the thermostat*
*my dad runs in barking*
*neighbor’s dad starts barking*
*within seconds all the neighborhood dads are barking*


Shake what your momma gave you.
*shakes unemployed brother*


Sometimes at the gym I’ll struggle and make all kinds of awkward grunting sounds, but eventually I’ll get my shorts on.