Parenting is much harder nowadays. For example, you have to be able to push a kid on a swing and tweet at the same time.
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tried adderrall to help my productivity but now I’m just intensely aware of all the things I should be doing
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
Captain Planet (1991) – a gang of illegal immigrant Eco-terrorists summon a demon to terrorise job creators
I’m writing my PhD thesis in theoretical physics and every time I have to decide between using > and < I think to myself “the crocodile wants to eat the bigger number”
[courtroom, on witness stand]
Prosecuting attny: If you think she’s poisoning you, why did you eat it?
Me: It was pizza
[jury nods, murmurs]
my date is in 2 hours, which means I have very little time to fix my glasses and fix my bangs and get a career and lose 50 pounds
Welcome to earth! You have a choice of private parts. Would you like the one that creates life & bleeds or the constant bad decision maker?
How do I put this gently? You make me feel… unwet?
Its raining, its pouring,
Working here is boring.
It hurts my head, wish I was dead,
I’m just gonna lay on the flooring.
10: I just read that you have fingertips but not toe tips yet you can tiptoe but not tip finger.
Me: It’s 6 am.
Letting my 4-year-old niece cook me breakfast in her Easy Bake Oven and acting like I’m not about to absolutely destroy her on Yelp.
ME: How do I get on that goth hot air balloon?
FRIEND: That’s a solar eclipse
THERAPIST: How did you feel when you first realized you had a Gloria Gaynor obsession?
ME: First I was afraid. I was petrified.
“i used to live in india, now I live in indiana”
“is there a difference?”
“na”
When I was in 6th grade, I asked a girl out with a note and she wrote back “Maybe :)” so idk man I might have plans tonight.
*brings guitar on date to set the mood
Me: Hey do you know how to play this thing?
My son asked for help with his math homework as we pulled into the school parking lot.
Then I laughed & laughed & told him to get out.
Having little kids is great because I love spending hundred of dollars each week to feed my floor and my trash can
blacksmith: hey, so I’ve finished welding those fruity soda cans together like you asked.
me: Fantastick.
Instead of just answering the phone when it rings, I prefer to wonder why the hell someone’s calling me and glare at it until it goes away.
Dating tip for ladies: some guys will be scared off if you don’t wait until the third date before asking him to murder your husband.
Could reporters stop asking if political leaders “believe” in climate change and start asking if they understand it instead
Angel: What up?
God: Creating 3 y/o’s
Angel: Is it broken?It keeps repeating itself & has no volume control
God: ya it’s gunna be hilarious
A friend described me as a ‘no maintenance’ type
And I have no idea whether to be happy or offended
I just shaved so now my jeans finally fit again
“Single use consumables are destroying the planet,” I yelled at her as I tossed another condom into the washing machine.
Hear me out:
A tampon that yells “OH YEAH” in the Kool-Aid man’s voice when it’s full
Remember that Pi Day is just a made-up holiday invented by mathematicians to sell you more math.
I saw a vending machine that takes Apple Pay which sounds cool but imagine how much it would suck to lose your phone in there.
Google Search:
-is my toaster broken
-can fire ants make toast
-bathtub fire, small
-house fire, how to stop
-is house fire toast a thing?