Parenting is panicking when your kids are loud, and panicking when they’re quiet

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I just found a Cheerio in my sofa and we don’t have any Cheerios in this house.

*eats it


Getting a neck tattoo is probably the coolest way to show your love for manual labour.


Rejected Candy Hearts:

– Meh. You’ll do.
– You’ve done worse.
– STD Free


Babe, you’re just perfect for me

Except that you’re married, have kids, live 8000 miles away and are probably an obese man


Doc: have you been displaying any symptoms of vampirism?
Me: I’ve been..
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: Coffin.
Doc: get out


I’m happy with it shorter, the ladies seem to like it that way.

-me to my barber


My daughter just told me I have a big butt. Now my son is my favorite child, because he hasn’t learned how to talk yet.


In a crowded elevator, tell all the tall people they have to get in the back because you’re going to take a group photo.


Pluto wasn’t even a planet for a full year on Pluto. Do you ever think about that? No. You only think about yourself.