Parenting is panicking when your kids are loud, and panicking when they’re quiet

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I feel I’ve done my best to tolerate lactose long enough.


*professes my undying love to my microwave*

*microwave sets itself on fire*


Wife: *glares* “Do you think you’re funny?”

Me: “Yes.”




Me: “I mean no.”


M: “How many guesses do I get?”


My boyfriend said we can’t hang out this weekend because he doesn’t exist.


11: He shoots for her coffee. He SCORES! HE’S…

Me: Grounded.


Actually told a girl who’s moving to France soon that “there’s lots of French people over there”. It’s a wonder how I can even bathe myself.


11-year-old: Can I join the swim team? You won’t have to do anything for it.

Me: Who’s going to get your to and from all the practices and meets and pay for everything?

11: Other than that.


After the hipster got his girl pregnant, he wouldn’t shut up about how he was into her before she got big.


Why hang Wanted posters in the post office? We’re not crime-fighting crusaders. We’re buying stamps.


If you see my wife at the store, tell her to put some of that stuff back.