@Chhapiness
@GDUB18T I feel I’ve done my best to tolerate lactose long enough.
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@GDUB18T 
@Ideal_Victoria *professes my undying love to my microwave*
*microwave sets itself on fire*
@XplodingUnicorn Wife: *glares* “Do you think you’re funny?”
Me: “Yes.”
W:
M:
W:
Me: “I mean no.”
W:
M: “How many guesses do I get?”
@Jez1 My boyfriend said we can’t hang out this weekend because he doesn’t exist.
@theshantilly 11: He shoots for her coffee. He SCORES! HE’S…
Me: Grounded.
@jrza206 Actually told a girl who’s moving to France soon that “there’s lots of French people over there”. It’s a wonder how I can even bathe myself.
@XplodingUnicorn 11-year-old: Can I join the swim team? You won’t have to do anything for it.
Me: Who’s going to get your to and from all the practices and meets and pay for everything?
11: Other than that.
@notalogin After the hipster got his girl pregnant, he wouldn’t shut up about how he was into her before she got big.
@WilliamAder Why hang Wanted posters in the post office? We’re not crime-fighting crusaders. We’re buying stamps.
@ManateeJack If you see my wife at the store, tell her to put some of that stuff back.