@Chhapiness

Parenting is panicking when your kids are loud, and panicking when they’re quiet

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@GDUB18T

I feel I’ve done my best to tolerate lactose long enough.

@Ideal_Victoria

*professes my undying love to my microwave*

*microwave sets itself on fire*

@XplodingUnicorn

Wife: *glares* “Do you think you’re funny?”

Me: “Yes.”

W:

M:

W:

Me: “I mean no.”

W:

M: “How many guesses do I get?”

@Jez1

My boyfriend said we can’t hang out this weekend because he doesn’t exist.

@theshantilly

11: He shoots for her coffee. He SCORES! HE’S…

Me: Grounded.

@jrza206

Actually told a girl who’s moving to France soon that “there’s lots of French people over there”. It’s a wonder how I can even bathe myself.

@XplodingUnicorn

11-year-old: Can I join the swim team? You won’t have to do anything for it.

Me: Who’s going to get your to and from all the practices and meets and pay for everything?

11: Other than that.

@notalogin

After the hipster got his girl pregnant, he wouldn’t shut up about how he was into her before she got big.

@WilliamAder

Why hang Wanted posters in the post office? We’re not crime-fighting crusaders. We’re buying stamps.

@ManateeJack

If you see my wife at the store, tell her to put some of that stuff back.