Parenting is playing hide and seek with your kids but never trying to find them because you enjoy the downtime
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me: *vacuums up ant*
ant: oh no
me: *vacuums up all the food the kids dropped*
ant: oh wait
About once a month I think about this NYT correction and I literally laugh out loud for 15 seconds
Pretty upsetting that during such times some people are still refusing to take their work home with them, like my kids’ nanny
Satan’s first act in the bible was to suggest that people eat more fruit.
No wonder we all hate him.
I’m on the steak diet. You just have four steaks for breakfast, four for lunch, then a sensible dinner of six steaks.
Valentine’s Day is a stupid and made up holiday unless someone wants to give me a present in which case I really believe in celebrating it
My dream job is writing jokes for Penguin biscuits. Writing jokes for money is getting me nowhere.
Stay at an airbnb if you want to clean up someone else’s house better than your own
I remember Daddy told me fairy tales can come true so any time an old lady offers me an apple or cookie I kill her and bury her in the woods
People say you can’t avoid death but I’ve been doing it all my life.
God: you’re a koala bear.
Koala: yay I love bears!
God: but you’re not a bear.
Koala: oh.
God: yeah.
Koala: this is awkward.
God: it’s just bears have certain criteria.
Koala: so you’re saying I don’t meet the koalafications : )
God:
Koala:
God: that pun was beary bad.
[playing flight simulator]
this is your captain speaking: the alcohol is now free and we’re landing in a volcano
Me: “What’s the haps, yo?”
19yo niece: …
Me: …
19yo niece: …
Me: “I’m sorry.”
judge: how do you plead
me: *burps* excuse me
judge: you are excused
me: [running away] gottem lol
i finally learned that stocks are the birds that deliver ur baby so follow me for more finance tips
Bon Jovi must be at least 3/4 of the way there by now.
My waxer just told me a hilarious story about ripping out a client’s tampon during a bikini wax.
I guess she doesn’t remember me.
my wife and i have been playing a 7 day game of ‘dishes in the sink are lava’
me: where do I pay
doctor: on your way out
me: I don’t know if I want you at my funeral
The “Allosaurus you can eat” buffet was very popular with Jurassic Park visitors. After the fences failed it was also popular with the Allosaurus.
bank robber: EVERYONE FREEZE!
[everyone freezes]
bank robber: [recording everyone] nice! this’ll be the best mannequin challenge yet
My politics are simple: one day I will be eaten by a gigantic worm. And anyone who tries to stop that from happening is my enemy
[first date at a chinese restaurant]
“So are you more of a dog or a cat person?”
*reading menu* I was thinking orange chicken but you do you
I’m super impressed by how many football players wear their Invisaligners while they play.
*walks into funeral while playing the mandolin*
“I’m sorry. Am I interrupting?”
*dead guy sits up in casket*
No it sounds lovely. Keep going
my fitbit gives me like 1000 steps every time I sit and fold laundry and it’s just nice to finally be appreciated
Whenever I see a couple sitting on the same side of a restaurant booth I like to imagine they’re on a double date with ghosts
[going thru airport security]
“Please turn your laptop on”
*I start to stroke it’s audio input*
“That’s not what I-‘
Me: No no it likes this
Peter Jackson just found a postcard JRR Tolkien wrote his nephew in 1938. He’s turning it into 22 nine-hour films.