Parenting is watching a foreign object fly into your coffee, sink out of sight, and drinking it all anyways.
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Everyone wants a wild, obsessive love until it parks on their lawn and sets up a tent next to the shrubbery.
PERSON: “You don’t have kids!? How old are you?”
ME: “31.”
P: “That surprises me. I’d be lost without my kids. I mean, how do you find meaning in life?”
M: “Marvel keeps coming out with films… so I have that.”
Santa Claus is the omicron superspreader
When did we start calling shirts “tops?” Was shirt too hard for ya?
Does your wife know that you are in a relationship with your car?
I get really freakin pissed off when complete strangers ask me a lot of questions. So no… the job interview didn’t go very well.
I slept like a log last night.
A badger pissed on me.
When a stranger changes in front of you, they’re either interested or you’re friend zoned.
It’s hard to tell from this tree.
The safest place to hide junk food from your kids is inside a dirty clothes hamper right in their room.
The Blue Tooth in your ear tells me you are expecting an important call.
At Walmart.
At 8:00 AM.
On Sunday.
In the snack food aisle.
Ma’am.
Cat 911: what’s your emergency
Cat: my human is bleeding to death!
911: stay calm. what happened
Cat: she tried to pet my stomach so i bit her
911:
Cat:
911: hahahaha
Cat: hahahaHA
Cat Paramedics: *arriving on scene* HAHAHAHA
I hate feeling like I’m racing against someone in a grocery store aisle. Like aren’t we grownups here? Anyway, I won.
women will invite you to shower with them then cook you alive with a temperature of water you didn’t know existed
If you’re feeling too good about yourself, go ask a 5 yr old to guess your age. That should even things out.
her: this man needs medical help
me: let me through I’m a doctor
her: why are you opening his mouth?
me: no cavities
her: he’s having a heart attack
me: flosses regularly
her: do something
me: there’s nothing I can do his teeth are great
Trump, 2 years into his presidency: “What do you mean we can’t just file for bankruptcy?”
“How is there a sink full of dirty dishes? I just washed them yesterday.”
—My 10-year-old learning a tough life lesson
I took a DNA test and i’m actually 17% cheddar cheese now
Anyone know how soon I should start roasting our Christmas turkey so I can be sure it will be nice and dry enough in time for the big day?
I miss being the age where the most devastating thing in the world was when my sandwiches got cut into squares instead of triangles.
*sees cute baby*
Everyone: omg I want oneMy ovaries, taking a drag of a cigarette: ya’ll hear something?
“Hi Mr. Holmes, I hear you’re the world’s greatest detective and I’m calling because there’s been a murder… I’m at the 79th annual Butlers Convention… Sherlock? Are you still there?”
A recent medical study shows that women who carry a little extra weight generally live longer than the men in their lives who mention it.
I’m bathing in hot water with a bunch of vegetables, herbs and spices! The mayor has a big wooden spoon and he’s swirling the water around for me.
My 7 year old asked me if he could have a poster of an “artist named Eminem” and I flexed on him by telling him how I saw Eminem live in his hometown of Detroit.
Leo: *names his child Oscar*
Doctor: “Would you like to hol-”
Leo: “Say it like we rehearsed it.”
Doctor: *sighs* “And the Oscar goes to…”
I think it’s blowing a gale, my friends there can’t see a thing 😀
me, disguised as a lamb: *into earpiece* target is headed to school
spy hq: none suspect you, right?
me: roger
spy hq: keep her in sight
[later]
teacher: mary, does your lamb follow you everywhere you go?
me: i’ve been made
spy hq: abort mission! ABORT!! ABORT!!!
I hate the people who cause division in society. It’s not because I’m a liberal, I just hate maths!
Why does my 2yo insist on looking homeless when we leave the house?