Parenting log, day 560:
The child has bonded with a slice of American cheese. She’s been hugging it and kissing it for over an hour and it is now half melted. Everything in the house is now covered with cheese. She will not play with anything other than the cheese.
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Gandalf: shadowfax, show us the meaning of haste!
Frodo: sweet he’s gonna do that the whole way right?
Gandalf:
Frodo: Gandalf tell me we’re riding this horse the whole way
Gandalf: on an unrelated note how many shoes did you pack?
*Ubers to my parking spot at Costco*
In Scotland we don’t like our revenge as a dish served cold, we like it deep fried.
God: let’s put berries on bushes
Angel: Yeah that will be easy food for humans
God: Make some poisonous
Angel: why
God: it’s like a game
Get yourself a woman who likes to watch murder shows, but doesn’t keep a notebook of the methods labeled “tips and tricks”.
Hubs: Columbus discovered America not asking for directions so why do I.
Me: He set out for India and went the wrong way.
Hubs: Oh.
Me: Yep.
Today my 12 year old went back into a room to switch off a light, so never give up on your dreams
“I love my Job!” -Job’s wife
I’ve been putting my sunglasses on and walking away from things in slow motion all day, nothing has exploded yet.
I only spent $9,842 on bras and panties at the Victoria’s Secret Semi-Annual Sale. Nothing like saving money.
I was about to confront my husband about the strange blonde hairs I found in our house until I realised my kid’s werewolf Halloween mask was moulting.
therapist:
Ever considered using something other than comedy as a defense mechanism?me:
Like judgmental stares and mumbling?therapist:
No.me:
….Knives?therapist:
Forget I asked.
Mornin
I wear a ski mask wherever I go but only rob ski resorts. It’s quite ingenious really. Let me explain…
(Watching Planet Earth)
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: A narrow escape. The rabbit lives to fight another day
ME: hooray I wanted this
DA: The fox will have nothing to feed its hungry babies
ME: Oh no why did I want this
You’re only as smart as the dumbest thing you’ve ever said on the Internet.
Plastic silverware: because the only thing I hate more than poisoning the environment is washing dishes.
Ways I’m like a tea kettle: 1) need water 2) start screaming when someone forgets abt me 3) could burn down a house but probably never will
dating is scary, what if I put myself out there and I fall in love with someone who’s family plays charades at holiday gatherings
I just want to be rich enough where I snap my fingers and 7 people fight over who gets to make me my next grilled cheese.
[getting out my vuvuzela] anyway here’s wonderwall
4yo: THAT WAS ENOUGH SCHOOL
Me: That was… your first day.
4yo: YEP.
Me: You have school again tomorrow, kiddo.
4yo: NAH, I THINK I’M GOOD.
If you drive a Hummer, I will assume you are a douchebag. If aforementioned Hummer is bright yellow, I will crown you their king.
Times I’ve gone out to the garbage since she threw away a fur pillow: 2
Times I’ve leapt back thinking an animal was in the garbage: 2
She died doing what she loved: Running for her life in the wrong direction.
Nick’s coming over
Nick from work, or Nick who thinks he’s a scorpion?
*Nick bursts through the door* HERE I AM, ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE
PSA: 60% of deaths happen in hospitals which is why I don’t go there
I would go to the gym during the Christmas holidays but I don’t really think that’s what Jesus would have wanted
me: u ok babe?
babe: oink