Parenting means you will never say “What?!” again without sounding annoyed.
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[frantically pressing buttons on spaceship control panel] WHICH ONE IS FOR POPCORN
Ok you know that Australian speed skater who won gold because he was in last place but everyone in front of him got into a crash and he won? I think that might be tumblr
I get it February, I can only leap about once every four years too.
one time i matched with a girl on a dating app and her bio said “the first date better be outdoors” so i asked if she wanted to go for a hike and she was like “i meant more like, patio drinks”
Face down, ass up, that’s the way I like to… get the stupid cat toys out from underneath all of my furniture.
[moving day]
Me: Here we go. Bye house.
Husband: You forgot the kids.
Me: I filled out a change of address card. They’ll find us eventually.
Smile for the camera. Laugh for the pencil sharpener. Dance for the refrigerator
Uber: “I’m in a blue Honda Civic.”
Me: “ok”
Me to me: “ok, we know what blue is”
Don’t know how to delete tweets so please disregard the one earlier in which I angrily accused my enemies of breaking into my house without any signs of forced entry and stealing only my favourite red t-shirt as part of an evil mind game. Just realised I was already wearing it
Was I outside watering plants when my food was getting delivered? Yes
Did I hide behind my house so the driver didn’t see me? Also yes
In 5th grade the boy I had a crush on called me on the phone and told me he loved me…then screamed April Foooools and hung up.
It took me 34 years but jokes on you, Chris. I don’t even like you that much anymore.
At my funeral, please make my dead body do the ‘walking down stairs behind a couch’ into the grave
jeff bezos: i don’t like it when people say i look like an alien
therapist: well you did exploit earth’s resources
bezos: so that i can build my spaceship
therapist:
bezos: *licks eyeball*
Her: I like how you did your hair today. Me: OMG thank you, I passed out in my closet last night.
I like to take an empty Krispy Kreme donut box to work and sit in the break room and watch all of the disappointed faces
Average Guy: [writes her a song]
Girl: “Yeah, whatever.”Hot Guy: “Sup.”
Girl: “Oh my god, you’re so creative!”
Spiders have the whole world to explore but still try to come up in my house
Me: *walks up to table next to mine in restaurant*
Are you done with that yet?
Her: We said no.
Me: But I need a green crayon for the tree.
[space launch]
ASTRONAUT: houston we have a problem
ME: *elbows him* lol we’re gonna get mooned
ASTRONAUT: *sighs* houston we have two problems
I don’t have an Alexa so I have to say things like “Matt, play music” or “Matt, turn the lights off” and then I have to do those tasks myself and it’s super embarrassing.
My 5yo just sat down after doing some yard work and said “what a day” so I think he’s a dad now
What he said, “Let’s just drop it.”
What I heard, “I can’t think of a single way to win this argument, I bow to your wit and intelligence.”
From Our CEO
To Our Valued Customersholy shit please come back we promise to start cleaning the bathroom
They put rubber bands on lobster claws to prevent them from being on their phones all day.
I don’t understand why people climb mountains. I literally pay someone else to carry my groceries
Essential oils are what drips out of tacos.
No, he would not have.
The first Saw movie should have been called Footloose.
I get my vegetables the same way every other adult does…an iced carrot cake muffin.
[Creation]
God: These dinosaurs are ruining the place!
Angel: Maybe they’ll evolve?
G: *throws a rock*
A: Sick shot!
G: Next time, apes