Parenting through the years:
1st kid: Organic food only
2nd kid: “McDonald’s once in a while isn’t so bad.”
3rd kid: “Did he just eat dog food? I’m sure he’s fine.”
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When the Visa bill comes and your wife asks what are the 5 OnlyFans charges each month, just tell her they are for your Fantasy Sports Leagues.
[beehive]
DRONE BEE: I feel like she’s just using me
20,000 OTHER DRONE BEES: [nodding] I hear ya, bro
QUEEN: Back to work, handsome
DRONE BEES: [blush]
Him: ok now put a worm on the hook
Me: *enjoying the boat ride with my new container of pet worms* What now?
Waiter: How is everything?
Me: This is a salad
Waiter: Yes
Me: I ordered spaghetti
Waiter: Yeah. We are really worried about you, dude
My favorite yoga pose is the one where you eat a sandwich.
He died doing what he loved, rearranging the dishes in the dishwasher after I put them in.
well done to all the women on international women’s day, great bunch of lads
Danny Zuko: I got chills, they’re multiplying…
Sandy: Gross. You probably have a stomach bug.
“You’re sure that’s the right word?”
“Like, 80% sure, yeah.”
“Print it.”
I would like to take a moment to publicly apologize to my wife for answering her phone and bringing it to her while she was on the toilet. I didn’t know your boss was facetiming you
“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.
marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad
COPS: COME OUT OF THE HOUSE
“I’LL NEVER COME OUT”
COPS: WE WERE TALKING TO YOUR DOG. WE WANT TO PET HIM
Drinking wheatgrass juice is a great way to know what being a lawnmower tastes like.
Me: what do you want for lunch?
3yo: a pickle.
Me: a pickle is not a meal.
3yo: two pickles.
Asking me for advice is like asking broccoli to fix your bicycle.
I hate when my boyfriend’s snoring wakes me up and then I realize it was my snoring and I don’t have a boyfriend and I’m going to die alone.
The strangers on this cruise are getting really sick of me eavesdropping and interrupting with “I’m in the same boat.”
I’m pitching a show called “Walking Dad” where dads go around biting each other and then the people who get bitten become dads too.
Don’t tell me I don’t know about sacrifice. I mix the ends of cereals into one bowl so my family can open new boxes. Without my appetite for disgusting mixtures, they’d fall apart.
just got my engagement photos
me: I have a very particular set of skills, skills that make me a nightmare for people like u
kidnappers: like what
me: what?
kidnappers: like what skills
me: [covering mouthpiece] omg he’s asking what skills
wife: ffs
“Damn girl are you?” -Existentialist pick-up line
me: i wrote you a song, it’s called ‘rudolph the red nose reindeer’
rudolph: it better not be about my nose
me:
rudolph: sing the song keith
Scissors Commercial:
*Montage of people karate chopping paper in half*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better… Nevermind that was rad
I’m about two tissues away from shoving a tampon up my nose.
My favorite part of Thanksgiving is the pumpkin pie, I bought one of those ginormous ones from Costco and offered everyone else peach pie.
Scientists: we discovered a worm that eats plastic
Worm: wait we’re eating what
I gave my Yorkie a haircut today. Now I know how lion wrestlers feel.