Parenting tip: If your kids are fighting in the back seat of the car, stick your arm over and swing it around a bunch. That’ll show em’.
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Twitter is fun because you get to be like, “Ducks are good” and someone in your mentions will go, “Um, I’m sorry but my brother is married to a duck scientist and this is a harmful view” and then someone else pops up going, “Your silence about horses is extremely telling”
[brain surgery]
SURGEON (secretly a zombie): fork
ASSISTANT:
SURGEON: …over that scalpel
Woke up a fully assimilated sighborg.
Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet grape was just eaten by his twin sister
[The Rapture]
Me: *trapped on the ceiling like a balloon*
Client: “I want to learn how to use the ATM”
Me: “Sure no prob!”
~~~~*Standing outside in the rain in front of the ATM*
Me: “ok first put your card in the machine”
Client: “Oh I don’t have one”
Me *blinking intensely*
The Geek Squad needs a service where a plain-clothed tech will go fix my mom’s computer and claim to be a friend of mine so she doesn’t know I paid someone so I wouldn’t have to do it.
I bet Scooby wished he never got into that van of weirdos
Kylo Ren: I can’t read your mind! How are you resisting me?!
Rey: Occlumency lessons from Professor Snape.
It’s very funny to me that in The Wizard of Oz Glinda is like “only bad witches are ugly” five seconds after asking Dorothy if she’s a good witch or a bad witch.
They should make a sister store to “Forever 21” called “So Now You’re 35” where you can buy sensible pants and soft sweaters & take naps.
From now on non fiction and fiction books shall be referred to as Fo Reals and Not Fo Reals. Pls pass along,
I just smoked so much pot that I tried to order one of the dishes of food off the scrolling instagram menu.
6yo: “Mom, Mom! I got to the number 200.”
Me: “Wow! Great job counting.”
6yo: “Thanks, I want to get to 300 stickers on the floor!”
Me: “Wait, what?”
It took three nurses to pull me off of that doctor after he told me I need to give up potatoes.
Cop *knocking on door* open up it’s the police!
Me: it’s ok, I haven’t done any crimes
Cop: The fashion police
Me *kicking my crocs off* shit
Jack: I want to be nimble
Genie: ok
Jack: and also quick
Genie: ok those are the same thin-
Jack: last but not least I want to jump as high as a candle
I’m really glad my dog doesn’t tell anyone about the conversations we have together. Then people would really think I’m crazy.
I wanted to kill myself by drinking 100 beers, but when I finished my second one, I felt much better.
I only have Facebook to keep track of where everyone I know is going to be, so I don’t show up there.
If you’re testing me, we failed.
Her: Where ya been?
Me: At the cemetery.
Her: Someone dead?
Me: Yeah. All of them.
Schools need to start doing pictures on the first day. It’s the only day I remember to try to make my kids look presentable.
I’m “Since when did it become unacceptable for your socks to show” years old.
Driving past a cop car with its lights on: Boys, the police are here. They heard about you!
My son whispers to his brother, “I was never here.”
ME: *Donates my body to science*
SCIENCE: Oooh, we… we don’t want that.
What base is it when she says, “I saw a box of fish sticks and thought of you”?
The locals are gushing over my poor axe handling skills
I hope God rethinks his decision to allow an intern to run celebrity deaths in 2016.