PARENTING TIP: Never, at any time or under any circumstance, say yes.
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Instagram dude: If you’re like me, and are OBSESSED with French food when it gets cold out…
Every other person alive: Wut?
I can count on my hook how many hands I’ve lost.
This dog is a visual representation of my phone distracting me from work
CDC: Fully vaccinated people can safely gather indoors and hug.
Me: Gross.
Me: *hands her a pitri dish I’ve cultivated over several months*
Her: what’s this?
Me: You said you wanted multiple organisms
Be the change you want to see in the world!
Me: *goes back to bed
*in the car*
7yo: I can count to 100,000
5yo: oh yeah, then do it
me: no
[painting a model in the nude]
model: r u gonna be naked the whole time
Trash night me: Damn these flimsy generic trash bags!
Grocery day me: Damn these Hefty bags are pricey!
Trash night me: Damn these flimsy generic trash bags!
Grocery day me: Damn these Hefty bags are pricey!
There has been a pencil case on the landing of my staircase for a week now. I notice it every time I go up or downstairs, but vowed not to pick it up just to see if someone else would.
There will be a Covid vaccine before this pencil case gets moved.
[On a date]
Me: I want to be buried under a large oak tree, give my body back to the earth
Him: that’s so sweet
Me: no I mean right now
Proofreading services too expensive? Try proof skimming! For only $10, I’ll flip through your book and say “yeah, whatever, it’s probably fine.”
WHY WRITERS ARE STARING AT NOTHING
• they’re actually working shh this is the process
• haven’t slept in 19 years so this is a power nap
• hoping a bakery will appear
• just fell down a plot hole and horror is setting in
• about to scream
• any second now
• oh here they go
I was going to fake my own death but I didn’t want to have to start a new Twitter account from scratch.
ME (at a bar where everybody knows my name): Hey—
EVERYBODY: DAVE! Get out of here.
me: [texting a friend i haven’t talked to in 17 months for no reason] hi
friend: hey! how are you?
me: [3 months later] i’m ok
Hey i am sexy to you now
I wondered why I didn’t find any Easter eggs in my garden.
#EasterBunny #Easter #AmazingFacts #RubbishJoked #DadJokes
[Arthur’s Court]
SIR LANCELOT: We shall be’est known as the Knights of the Square Table
SIR CUMFERENCE: I doth like it but heareth me out…
Him: “Do you want to cuddle?”
Me: “Yeah, let me call the dog.”
1980s : average parent ; 4 kids
2016: average kid ; 4 parents
“I guess I’m just feeling cynical,” grumbles Judas.
“More like SIN-ical,” mutters Jesus.
“What?”
“Nothing. Have more wine.”
Best spot.. 😅
You think you’ve brought your kids up right and then you find the toothpaste tube squeezed in the middle.
I enjoy the outdoors when it stays outdoors.
[At the stress test, staring at a treadmill]
Dr.: Just run at a speed where you can still talk normally.
*sits down on a chair*
Me: Okay.
Before the “accident” they were Duran Duran Duran
[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]
*updates social media with selfie*
Bring food,
No weirdos.
A horror movie, but it’s just me afraid to go into the kitchen after the kids made cookies by themselves for the first time
[my first roundabout]: omg, who has the right of way?
[my 100th roundabout]: COMING THROUGH!