Parenting tip: Unplug the microwave before dropping acid because you’ll inevitably put the baby in there for safe keeping.
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Three more pension cheques and I’ll have my student loan paid off.
You ever been talking to someone and go to lean on a wall that’s like 3 inches further away than you thought
Don’t even wrap my subway sandwich up, I’m wearing it out of the store.
may your fathers prosper. may your friends be uglier than you. may your exes get food poisoning
HR: Can you explain the recent unemployment in your resume?
Me: Yes, that was a period of time when I was not working. But guess what?
HR: What?
Me: You can fix that right here, right now
I’m never more irritated by fashion than when I’m trying to stuff something in a fake pocket!
Having to write cover letters is so dumb. Do u really believe my dream ever since I was a little girl was to optimize SEO for a mid level online publication? No. It was to ride a pony on a space rainbow. Grow up.
I accidentally said “pastryarchy” instead of “patriarchy” and now I have a vision for a better world
Me: what do you want for breakfast?
7: a bowl of sugarMe too kid, me too
Don’t know if my mother-in-law is talking about a Netflix show she likes or a family member she hates and she’s so deep into the story I don’t think she knows either.
The kids of today have no respect. They’re rude, lazy and swear to make themselves look big and cool
Nothing at all like us…
[Alligator feeding at the zoo]
Me: Hey let me do it
Keeper: 1st time?
M: Heck no
*alligator takes me by the arm*
I WAS JUST BRAGGING SAVE ME
Wife: I’m pissed!
Me: still or again?
everyone calm down they’re just doing a test run of the rapture
Jesus turned water into wine.
I turn food into fertilizer.
We are not the same.
Below Deck sounds like a way of discreetly describing a condition to my doc
“Never Gonna Give You Up” came on the radio & my 6yo confidently said, “I know who sings this!” Believing I had taught him well, my proud moment lasted 2 seconds until my son revealed his answer of Yung Gravy.
me: [pooping in a basket]
hot air balloon pilot: ok everyone out.
FUN PRANK: tweet “going hang gliding!!!!” then don’t tweet again for 12 years
SEGA: we have the fastest creature alive
Nintendo: oh shit, your mascot is a cheetah?
SEGA:
Nintendo:
SEGA: well that would have made sense
pros & cons of going out with me
pros: you’re not alone anymore
cons: me
My husband’s coming home from a work trip, so I’m putting dishes in the sink to make it look like I didn’t eat toast on a paper towel for five days.
Me: *draws pentagram, chants in latin*
Demon: *possesses me*
Me: *head spins around, neck cracks several times* ahh yeah that’s the shit
Demon: same time next week?
I always carry a condom in my wallet in case a date goes unexpectedly well & I need to impress her with my balloon animals skills.
I’m pretty sure when Kenny Rogers said we gotta know when to fold em, he was talking about slices of pizza
People like to say they love coffee but dump 1 gallon of sugar into it. You don’t love coffee you love candy.
So apparently going to the medicine store’s manager with a pack of condoms asking them where the changing rooms are will get you banned from the medicine store.
If people aren’t honking at you to go on the green light, you aren’t doing social media right.
Morpheus: If you take the red pill, I will show you what the Matrix is.
Neo: *ingests pill* Whoa.
Morpheus: It’s also a powerful laxative.
doctor: I have bad news and ambiguous news
me: what’s the ambiguous news?
doctor: one of us is dying