Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.
You Might Also Like
All underwear is edible if you aren’t a coward
I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
Vacation Summary:
I ate so much that I now have my own gravitational field.
How long can COVID live on breakdancing cardboard?
And can it be killed by sick moves?
I’ve found the perfect way to keep my plants healthy. I leave them at the garden center as nature intended.
“I’m not falling for that again” I say as I’m about to fall for whatever that is, again
Me: I love eating nerds
Boy: (brings me Nerds candy)
Me: no, not that kind.
ME: alexa, make it quieter
*music gets way too quiet*
ME: alexa, make it louder
*music gets super loud*
ME: [sigh] alexa, make it quieter
ALEXA: which contact would you like to call?
ME: jesus christ
ALEXA: i couldn’t find jesus in your contacts
When someone says “We can still be friends” after a break up it’s like saying…”The dog died but can we still keep it?”
Home #decor warning.
Protip: To get teens to help bring in groceries, always ask if they want anything before you leave. They’ll be waiting at the door when you return.
GIRLFRIEND: *whispers in my ear* Hey you wanna try for a baby
ME: *playing the claw machine* I don’t think there are any in there, Denise.
yeet
you accidentally send 2 people to hell, and all of a sudden nobody wants to play with you anymore
i don’t want to rock and roll all night. i want to sleep all night without having to get up and pee 39 times
If there isn’t a fireworks company whose slogan is “our business is booming,” that seems like a real missed opportunity.
[grounding my son]
me: THAT’S IT! You’re out of the school play!
wife (whispering): he doesn’t actually care about that play
me (whispering): I know, I just really don’t want to go to it
What helps a pedophile walk and do his job?
A Candy Cane.
(wine tasting)
WOW THIS ONE TASTES LIKE WINE TOO. I’M LIKE 5 FOR 5 NOW. KEEP ‘EM COMIN’!
When donuts appear in the breakroom. We cut one in half. We eat half. We return to the breakroom five minutes later and eat the other half. It is the way of our people.
I’m at a second grade music recital and this is by far the most effective form of birth control I’ve ever tried.
The only way Congress will ever pass common sense gun control is if they’re threatened at gunpoint
The thumbs up emoji is a nice way to tell someone not only did you receive their message, you’re also done with the conversation.
I’ve been watching far to many episodes of Extreme Homes. I want one made of containers, w/solar panels,heated floors, recessed lighting, indoor pool w waterfall/swim up bar, and windows to the ocean & garden on my roof. Floating.
“What are these markings on the map?”
“They’re hill areas”
“Yeah they’re very funny, but what do they mean?”
Absolutely insane clap-to-blink ratio
Have a teen so when she’s five minutes late for Cross Country practice, it’s your fault for driving the “long way.” Nevermind practice started at 6:00, and she got into the car at 6:01. Those details are irrelevant.
I paid a mime good money for a box and now I can’t find it.
I date men who have their life path laid out firmly and never waver.
Sure, their path is psycho or socio, but consistency is admirable.
Bought a pair of camo sweatpants but my kids can still see me when I wear them. This is bullshit