Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.
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ignorant poors: We need money! Money is so important!
wise rich man: More important than a delicious orange? more important than a beautiful day at the lake house, or a humble Rolls-Royce Phantom?
I’m following around cop cars all day to let them know how it feels.
My girlfriend said we should each pick a “hall pass”, just in case we ever met that person. I chose Kate Upton and she chose her roommate Connor
I got a spam email telling me my online reputation needs some work. And, now I want to know which one of you has been running your mouth.
My kids found their Kit Kats then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go in to my closet?
How long do you have to stop eating a meal before calling it leftovers?
Told someone what city I live in.
“Oh are you married to a doctor?”
“No. My husband is though.”
2015. Worse than the death of paper is the death of staplers. Rest in peace you sexy plastic alligators.
I’m the guy that lures fragile old ladies into my windowless van at night with Werthers Originals.Then safley escort them to the bingo hall.
Current status: I just turned on the garbage disposal so the cats wouldn’t hear me getting the cheese out of the fridge.
“Dunkin’ donuts drinks have too many calories” ok stop. You are fundamentally missing the point of going to Dunkin’ Donuts
I bet jellyfish are sad that there are no peanut butter fish.
No YOU’VE been drinking.
Told my wife “I’m not mad, I’m disappointed” and now she’s not mad, she’s furious.
Co-worker: How are you today?
Me: *starts writing death threats on the wall in period blood.*
I waved at this lady who I thought was waving at me but as it turns out she was actually waving to someone behind me, so to save face I hailed a cab and had it take me home, now I’m doing the walk of shame back to where my car is parked so I can drive it back home too
Just saw a WiFi name called “Hot Signals In Your Area” and honestly that’s iconic
Keeping 6 ft away from me may protect you from my germs, but you’ll need to be a lot farther than that to avoid the glare from my heavily-sequined Christmas sweater.
Stop acting like you’ve never seen someone with a pocket full of chicken nuggets before 🙄
This Halloween, I’m going as the one thing more unsettling than a serial killer: someone interested in serial killers
Heading to therapy. Let’s all cross our fingers that some good therapist jokes come out of this.
*closes door*
“Did you take out the trash?”
“Her name is LINDA, Mom.”
It’s alright if we’re doing it all wrong. After all, we are the first generation to deal with midlife crisis by staring at our phones.
ME: I swear to god I will burn this place to the ground. I can’t take this anymore. I am done. DONE.
CUSTOMER SERVICE REP: sir thank you for holding, it’s just going to be another minute
ME: sure of course no problem
Somewhere in my brain is a tiny gland that blinds me to unwashed dishes.
sometimes you fall asleep with your phone in your hand like you’re a raccoon clutching a hotdog
– my husband, romancing me
I just bought orange juice and wine. No, not for mimosa’s. Orange juice for my husband, because he is sick. Wine for me, because my husband is sick.
BOSS: This is hard to say…we need to make cutbacks
ME: What’s so hard? “We need to make cutbacks” See? Piece of cake
BOSS: Getting easier
NURSE: *bursts into break room* A man just came to the ER with a broken bone thru his skin!
DR DOG: *looks at other Drs* I’ll take this one
A parade of slow walkers meander behind my car as I’m trying to pull out of the parking space.
[getting escorted out of zoo] “I just wanted to see if the panda knew kung fu like in the movie”