Parenting Tip:
Replace the word “nightmare” with “adventure”.
“This common core homework is an adventure for us both!”
“Grandma made us asparagus quiche so we can try an adventure meal!”
“Your endless harmonica practicing will haunt my deepest adventures.”
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wife: Can we get a kids menu?
waitress *brings one*
wife
me
wife
me [already doing the maze]
wife: Can we get 2 kids menus?
Alexa, trade my personal privacy for a cooking timer please.
Breaking news:
The auto parts store is like ‘get our free app’ as if I’m buying parts everyday. I only need this one thing.
In case you wondered how much patience I have for questions today, I just told my 4-year-old the sky is blue because I said so.
I WILL NEVER STOP BEING A QUITTER!
Pro tip : If you get a dog,
name him “Five Miles”Then you can brag that you
walk Five Miles every day.
“The truth is out there” yes and that’s why I stay inside
“Sleep when you’re dead”… well this weekend consider me the dearly departed.
Harry Potter at an interview
Interviewer: It says here you defeated Lord Voldemort when you were 17 years-old.
Harry: That’s correct, sir.
Interviewer: But no experience with Excel. Wow.
One cool thing about being 33 is that people who are 50 think you might as well be 22 and people who are 22 think you might as well be 50
herekittykittykittykitty
– me stoned about to lose a hand to a raccoon
America: Japanese ads are extremely weird
Also America: *airs commercials about toilet paper obsessed bears that are constantly shitting*
me: i want a girlfriend so badly
them: u have to start going on dates
me: seems excessive
me: i just killed two birds with one stone 🙂
noah: you did WHAT
boss: you’ve been late 3 times this week, u know what that means
me: it must be Wednesday
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
I was tired of my kids asking me to put the same 7 songs on for them 9,000 times a day, so I taught them how to do it themselves.
I am not a smart woman.
[Dog doing something I don’t want him to do]
Me: No
Dog: “Dear Sir or Madam: Thank you for your thoughts on the matter. We shall take them under advisement.”
He pulled a rabbit out of his hat!
Also, a gerbil from his pants & a kitten from his coat.
The infamous “Pet Shop Burglar” had a good day.
Them: I know you mean well –
Me: I absolutely do not
One day my dad was outside watching a thunder and lightning storm and my mom brought him a metal chair to sit in.
A love story
Is a fake boyfriend a placebeau?
Sure, new mom Kylie Jenner goes makeup-free for Vogue & everyone celebrates her.
But when I go makeup-free to the grocery store, people are all, “Are you ok?? You look sick. You need sleep. And vitamins.”
The thing I like about Dawn dish detergent is that I can wash my dishes, my pets, my gentles, and my car with it, and still have some to drink later.
my dad didn’t let me date untill i was pregnant…
every single person who owns two cats has one beautiful idiot and one terrifying demon plotting a coup
‘It’s about the journey, not the destination’ sounds like something the inventor of the hot air balloon came up with.
[flicks cigarette out window]
submarine captain: you fool!
This is now a ‘I have washed my hands’ emoji 🙌