Parenting toddlers: [stressing out because they never stop talking]
Parenting teenagers: [stressing out because they never talk]
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WIFE: honey?
ME: yes dear
WIFE: did something hit the car
ME: yes deer
WIFE: do you know what it was
ME: yes deer
WIFE: was it an animal
ME: yes deer
WIFE: was it a rabbit
ME: no deer
i sadistically pat the top of my sandwiches before eating them like good job now you die.
Princess: I shall marry whomever of you is the bravest
Suitors: [all awkwardly look at the toaster]
me: I plead the 3rd
lawyer: the third amendment is you can’t be forced to quarter soldiers. the fifth is you can’t be compelled to act as witness against yourself. did you mean the fifth?
me: I mean I kinda don’t want to have to do either
(kids playing upstairs)
*loud crash*
Me: *slowly gets off the couch to take a look at everything we own*
That old expression: “hold the phone!” doesn’t work anymore because everyone is already doing that
My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up
my friend’s apartment building burned down so he’s at his parents’ and he still won’t hang out with me. HOW MANY MORE FIRES DO I NEED TO SET
I’m surviving this massive amount of “family time” by pretending they are mental patients and I’m their case manager.
When you’re bad at swearing but you’re trying to threaten someone:
Marriage counselor: ok, let’s reflect on the last week’s session
Dracula: *snickering* I can’t reflect on anything
Dracula’s wife: are you even going to try and take this seriously?
I got my husband to marry me 51 days after we met. Today is our 20th Anniversary and I think he’s still wondering what the hell happened.
The only thing you can wish for in this life is that the person you say “I do” to appreciates your Star Trek memorabilia as much as you.
[in bed]
M: Do that thing I like
H: NO
M: Please?
H: *sighs [puts on British redcoat uniform] I have your tea
M: I WILL NEVER PAY YOUR TAXES
*finally drifting off to sleep*
Neighbors dogs at 3AM: BARK BARK BARK-WHO TRYIN’A FUK-BARK BARK BARK
My 5yo is a pretty good drawer but there’s only so many t-shirts you can fit into a tiny person.
It’s amazing that every single kid on the planet is cunning enough to know that “I’m thirsty” has the best odds of delaying sleep. Think about it–between dinner & bath water they’ve had PLENTY to drink. Over time they’ve played every card & independently found the ace of spades.
No, YOU’RE the one who had an itch on your chest, reached in your shirt to scratch it and pulled out a limp dryer sheet.
Certainly wasn’t me.
BOSS: in my office, we need to have a chat
ME: ok *sits down and crosses legs*
BOSS: why did you just cross my legs?
Your first mistake was leaving your dessert on the table; your second mistake was trusting me not to eat it.
Face ID always wanting me to suppress my emotions this is a toxic relationship
Just want to apologize to all the unlucky women that have had to deal with my ex because I dumped him.
My 3yo niece wants dead grapes.
Raisins, she wants raisins.
I’ve been trying to figure out why I overslept today. Just realized drunk me set my calculator for $7.30.
Me: theres a man outside fighting with water
Wife: the neighbour?
Me: yes
Wife: is he in the pool?
Me: yes
Wife: again, its called swimming
I was just interrogated by my 7yo who, frankly, was SHOCKED to discover her dad is my first and only husband and I don’t want to know what that says about me
Me: I’ve never played football but I have been clotheslined by a telephone cord.
My kids: What’s a telephone cord?
Those who do not learn from history are destined to repeat it.
But I guess the same can be said for math and geography courses.
not sure if Ambien makes you tweet racist stuff but I can confirm pairing Makers Mark with Hot Pockets at 1AM will make you ‘like’ all of your high school crush’s Facebook photos
Me: *walks into room*
My cat, hanging by two paws, swinging from the lampshade: Hi.
Me: *walks back out of room*