#parenting
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Part of me says, “I can’t keep drinking like this.” While another says “Don’t listen to her, she’s drunk.”
All the toys under the tree
Have now gone
completely missingYou’ve been hit by
You’ve been struck by
Reverse Santa Claus
no their not
MAR 14: Pi Day
MAR 15: Ides of March
MAR 17: St. Patrick’s DayMAR 16: middle child, left out as usual
Society has this weird perception that nurses are the most nurturing parents.
My kids: My arm hurts when I move it!!
Me: Then don’t do it.
My 4yo asked me where people go when they die.
I told her: “I don’t know, but it wouldn’t hurt to check under your bed last thing at night.”
New sheets new sheets watcha gonna do whatcha gonna do when I sleep in you
My 3 year old has been on the other side of the door knocking and making me “guess who” for five minutes. I’m usually pretty good at acting surprised time after time, but the glass door is really straining my theatrical skills.
—Interviewer: Do you have any special skill that can benefit our company?
Me:
You’re a dog person? *Throws a stick* Well? Aren’t you going to run after it or are you cool with being a normal human that’s also a liar?
The rest of you just need to get fat because I don’t feel like going to the gym anymore…
When you’re alone in your room, start doing karate so ghosts know what’s up.
I found out why my computer keeps freezing. Apparently I’ve got too many windows open.
I’m the hottest mom hiding from her family in this pantry right now.
Sweatpants ✅
Headband ✅
Wristbands ✅
Jockstrap ✅“Welcome to Olive Garden’s all you can eat pasta night.”
Hyena: what’s my name again?
God: hyena.
Hyena: hi.
God: hi.
Hyena: i’m Ena : )
God: that-that’s not your name.
Hyena: oh. what is it?
God: hyena.
Hyena:
God:
Hyena: hi. i’m Ena : )
Woke up bright-eyed and bushy-tailed this morning…
…scared the living shit out of me.
My Grandfathers dying words to me were, “Are you still holding the ladder?”.
[Elephant at a party] Nice piano!
[me] thanks
[Elephant] What are the keys made of?
[Me] Uhh..
[Rhino appears behind me] Tell him Kyle
[he picks me up on 1st date]
Him: What do you have there?
Me: [struggling, crawling to his car because my backpack is weighing me down] Ham.
I didn’t like you in high school, I don’t like you now. #WhyIDontUseFacebook
‘Ok i’ll bite’ is both my favourite catchphrase and also why my summer body will be a Homer Simpson body
Ahhh December 1st. Time to start using Santa as a threat.
The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.
I know I have a dark sense of humour sometimes, but I’m genuinely just trying to make people laugh and never really trying to be offensive
Unless, of course, you’re vegan lol
Getting picked last for kickball every time didn’t affect me at all. In fact, I barely remember it now, 51 years and seven months later.
Pretending that you’re feeding the garbage disposal like a hungry baby bird does not hurt anyone.
Always use a fish knife when eating fish, a tomato knife when eating tomato, and a Swiss Army knife when eating a member of the Swiss army.