parents: a large old man with white hair is going to break into the house while you’re sleeping and give you toys
kids: oh worddddd
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Dis earing letters?
There’s an ‘app’ for that.
He’s so proud of his work! 🤣
Life can change in an instant. Hug the people you love, and appreciate what you have, before it’s gone.
[being pushed into the middle of a dance circle] please, I have a family
Avenge me but only if it’s convenient.
Some of us better hope Santa doesn’t check Twitter because if he does all we’re getting for Christmas is therapy.
2018 guy: girls wear so much makeup lol
1018 guy: I can’t even tell who i’m married to because everyone’s face is covered in dirt
ME: my clothes are getting smaller
WIFE: you’re probably just putting on a little weight
ME: *pulling lint from dryer* then explain this
I asked 4 if she was excited to start school and she said she doesn’t need to go to school bc she already know lots of words and if she runs out she can just make them up
When McDonalds drive thru say they ain’t got what you want but youre stuck in the line- is this the walk of mcshame?
Does laundry while drinking
*somehow washes a lampshade
Jellyfish 1: i’m so lonely
Jellyfish 2: you should try dating
Jellyfish 1: idk maybe
Jellyfish 2: *motions to cute girl* i think she’s flirting with you
Jellyfish 1: *enamoured* who is she?
Plastic bag:
Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: “Does this taste funny to you?”
Back in high school I never went for mean girls because I prefer them above average
When the girl working the counter says “would you like fries with that?” say..”are you calling me fat??” then burst into tears. Free meal.
When I complained to Amazon about a missing parcel and they asked me to send photographic evidence.
The mask helps cover up a bad mood, but my middle finger gives me away.
[texting my fiancé the night before our wedding] are we still on for tomorrow
“Hey Google, set an alarm for 5 AM”
Google: “No. That’s stupid.”
I accidentally threw garbage in the mall Public Library return bin with a large “Not Garbage” sign and before I had time to feel bad, my boyfriend yelled
AHA SUCK IT, NERDS!
and that’s how he gets the bestest sex.
Next time you feel like judging someone, remember that the German guy who used Craigslist to find a victim to dismember and cannibalize is a vegetarian now. People CAN change.
I scream. You scream. We all scream. I’m not supposed to be at this slumber party.
🙂🙃🥹
“I love ribs! What are ribs, anyway? Are they like cow, or like people…or?”
-my 6yo daughter, that’s apparently not disturbed by cannibalism
Cool thing about this wind storm is I now own 18 new trash cans..
Why is it called a ‘dad-bod’ and not a ‘father-figure’?
If I die, please avenge me. If it’s an accidental death, just go nuts on whoever.
I have obtained a hat
Do you need a glass of water?
No???
You sure? You seem a little salty…
Me: Alright girls today we are going to watch a little video about bullying and self defense.
8yo daughter: Ugh, are we watching The Karate Kid again!?
Me: Why, yes we are!