Parents are hiring drug-sniffing dogs to find their kids’ drugs. I couldn’t do it. My kid already doesn’t trust me, according to her diary.
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I just shaved my legs and man, the next 7 minutes and 34 seconds before it starts growing back is gonna feel amazing.
If you’re looking for a woman whose problem solving skills include plugging the power strip back into itself to use the outlet it’s in, hit me up.
Why do paintings of Adam and Eve show them with belly buttons?
Received a resume today that listed gap explanations which included such hits as “skydiving accident”, “temporary blindness” and finally my personal favorite “cartwheel incident”
Don’t tell me I look good for my age tell me I look good for someone who is incredibly lazy and eats like I’m on death row
Yesterday I taught my boss to play Angry Birds. Today, she “couldn’t make it in to work.” This is called managing upwards, people.
I know how to make her bite her lip, arch her back and curl her toes
Legos on the floor by her side of the bed
Flung my bra across the room and it sailed right into the drawer, if any of you are looking to start a basketball team that uses bras.
I’ve never got out of a straight jacket but I did once get out of my sleeping bag whilst drunk and I’ve got to assume it’s roughly the same skill set
Gen Z: I hate my boss
Millennial: me too but instead of posting it on social media I slowly let the air out of his tires like a well adjusted grown up
Me as student: how can I make my essay 400 word essay longer to fit this 500 word limit
Me as professor: if I cut 5,099 words, I will almost be at the 12,000 word limit
They dug up a skeleton on my street. Crazy to think that somewhere out there someone is walking around without a skeleton
“By night’s end, one of these teams will be the victor.” Thank you for that breakdown, Bob Costas. I was worried they might all die instead.
If you think today’s generation spend too much time playing video games, you should see how much time my generation spent just waiting for the games to load.
Home Alone 2? Shame on you. Home Alone 3? Shame on me.
Umbrellas are cool because they keep 8% of you dry AND give you a big soggy stick to carry around all day!
“I’m just playing Powerball for fun. I don’t expect to win”.
-me as I slowly pull out my dark magic spell book
Who else does this?
1. wets toothbrush
2. puts toothpaste on toothbrush
3. wets toothbrush again
4. does backflip on to huge pile of money
Why does body wash have directions, it’s literally the name
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘tomb’ eleven times during interview at Supercuts.
Find someone who cares about you as much as gmail cares about new devices signing into your account
If your husband tells you you’re being too dramatic don’t forget to bow when you thank him.
There should be an “oh my god, shut up already” button.
I wrote a poem: Dinosaurs, they used to roar, but… No more. Still mad atchu, meteor.
“You know what? I’ll just wait for the next Uber. Thanks.”
Marriage Tip: Always be dumber than your spouse at math so you don’t have to help your kid with his math homework.
CEO: we need to cut legal in half
Legal: i’m the only one here
CEO: yep
(Shoots my husband in the eye with a Waterpik)
Me: How do you like it?
me: *knocks on door* are you naked?
boss: just come in!
My cover letter is just a picture of me in a sleeveless turtleneck karate chopping the word ‘unemployment’.