Parents are like “You left a gently used paper towel in your room over christmas. Do you need that? Want me to mail it?”
You Might Also Like
straight girls are like “I think my boyfriend’s the Riverside Strangler, but besides that he’s great!”
Romeo: Juliet is the sun.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: *loudly from the balcony* NO SHE ISN’T
I forgot my glasses so I pointed to a random spot on the menu and now I’m hoping for the best
Pop up from someone’s backseat to show you care.
I’m supposed to take an antibiotic one hour before or 2-3 hours after eating, and literally such a time does not exist
My husband’s parenting style is to menacingly say “Yeah!” after everything I say when I reprimand the kids.
I watched Dexter. Now I’m watching Cold Case Files Classic.
Netflix really needs to decide if I can get away with murder or not.
me at age 15: (stressed, worried about prom every day)
me now: (carefree, think about prom maybe twice a week tops)
Me:Everything you know about me is a lie.Coworker:So you didnt dance naked in the fountain at the mall?Me: Everything other than that.
God grant me the FOOD to sustain my body,
the LAUNDRY DETERGENT to wash the stains from my clothes,
and the WISDOM to know the difference.
Hate flying? Try American Airlines. They do too.
I carpool with a guy & we have officially run out of things to talk about. Today he commented on how well-made the road was. I agreed.
Freak your cat out by running in the room, stopping abruptly to lick yourself and then running back out again.
My libido: please have sex
My social anxiety: by yourself
In my younger days, I was bullied. Fed up one day I punched the biggest kid in class. I think about that teaching job often.
Twitter is a lot like kindergarten; there’s yelling, giggling, struggling with basic reading comprehension…and everyone is super excited to show you their toys.
I once had sex while drinking a beer and didn’t spill a drop.
I only wish there was someone else there to witness it.
The French word for sex is croissant.
Me: “ahhh there’s the money shot”
Sniper: would you get your chin off my shoulder?
Things that don’t exist:
1. Fairies
2. Elves
3. Gnomes
4. Trolls
5. Whatever item my wife sends me to the grocery store to get
Doctor: Listen to your body more.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
I dropped a piece of cheese on the airplane and i know it rolled forward and some piece of shit in first class is enjoying it now
Me: Another bucket of wine please.
Waiter: You mean a new bottle in an ice bucket?
Me: No.
[watching Tangled with my Daughter]
Daughter: dada
Me: yes?
Daughter: do you think Rapunzel buys her shampoo at Costco?
Me: I mean-I do now.
I’m watching a documentary about show chickens and I think I found my people.
Hear me out. Shorts, but like for your full leg so they don’t get too cold
Groom: Dude, the invitation was for Gandalf the Grey.
Gandalf: Oh, it’s Gandalf the White now.
Bride: [fuming]
Gandalf: [looks fabulous]
My wife:“That’s not the shirt I sent her to daycare in.”
Me:“But it’s the right kid?”
Wife: “Yes.”
Me: “Awesome. I’m going to play Xbox”
“Alexa, homeschool the children.”
me: *sees a dead bird* this is a bad omen
wife: you’re ruining thanksgiving