Parents are like “You left a gently used paper towel in your room over christmas. Do you need that? Want me to mail it?”
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Conference calls are fun because no one knows I’m really home with massive diarrhea.
Boss: For the third time, PLEASE put us on mute.
I fear that one day I’ll click on “Forgot password?” and it will say “We’re not telling you. This is going to be a learning experience.”
Between toilet paper and forest fires, bears have a lot of responsibilities.
My lucky number is 17 so I’m really hoping that 2017 is finally going to be my year. Otherwise, I’ll have to change my lucky number again.
[after meditating]: I’m still angry, but in a calmer way
Me: *plucking hedge as my lord passes by*
Lord: oh manservant
Me: yes, my lord?
Lord: You trim this hedge with such care that when you’ve reached the end, the rest will again be quite overgrown. Thus, your toil ever continues?
Me: yes, my lord
Lord: *chuckling* delightful 🙂
Why don’t you sing about it?
– Walt Disney as a therapist
only 11 steps left
[JAIL VISITATION]
WIFE: I got u a cake
ME: U know I don’t like sugar
W: U need a BREAK, OUT of ur diet
M: It’s not a diet, it’s a lifestyle
How we blocked people in the 90s 😄
Me: I’ll have a scotch on the rocks with a twist
Bartender slides drink
“Your dad’s alive. He’s hiding in Cuba”M: Did NOT see that coming
Friendship: because I’ve said many dumb things & you acted like they were TED talks
Wife: Give me $50
Me: Can’t, it’s all tied up in our long-term investment strategy
W: Eh?
M: Gave it all to a psychic for next week’s winning lottery numbers
W: IDIOT
M: Knew she was good, that’s exactly what she predicted you’d say!
W: I despise you
just when my neighbors think they know me, I sprint across their yard pushing a wheelbarrow full of hair
Friend zone?!
I’ve been sister zoned! And if one more dude pats me on the head, I’m telling mom!!
Oh, please don’t pay attention on that voodoo doll you’re going to find outside your door!
That was by mistake
[heaven]
Abraham Lincoln: If only I’d stayed in that night instead of going to that show.
Batman’s parents: Same.
Barista: How do you take your coffee?
Me: Seriously. Very seriously.
Daughter has amputated three dolls in the span of twelve hours. Really hoping our dog is smart enough to stay away from her.
Me: I know something we can do tonight 😉
My husband: You superglued your eye shut again and I need to drive you to the ER
Me: yeah ;(
me when my friends ask me to look after their kids
*doesn’t turn down whale sounds relaxation cd while being pulled over*
Galactus is about to eat our solar system when he flips over the label
WARNING: CONTAINS MERCURY
“No thanks, I’ll eat something else.”
police: what are your names?
caspar: don’t tell em, linhardt!
police: so, linhardt…
linhardt: nice one, caspar
police: and caspar…
If you can read this, you’re standing too close to my iPhone!
The best part about Facebook is never having to wonder what your acquaintance’s baby is doing all day everyday day.
cow: I hate when you boss me around
farmer: what’s that supposed to mean?
cow: you herd me
A very annoying brain feature I have is what I call Waiting Mode. Like today, I have to leave for an MRI at 2:45. Unfortunately at 12:30 or so, my brain decided to activate Waiting Mode, which means that instead of getting anything done, I just have to sit here and wait.
Normalize bringing 30 days of corn rations on first dates