@lowkyhurt

Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password

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@XplodingUnicorn

My kids challenged me to a cartwheel contest.

Long story short, now my chiropractor has a new boat.

@Rrrocambolesco

Whoever said you cannot live off of wine and cheese alone did not try hard enough.

@WheelTod

Jesus’ Greatest Miracles:
3) Turning water to wine
2) Raising Lazarus
1) Maintaining a milky-white complexion in a desert climate for 33 yrs

@UncleDuke1969

Wife: It’s time for a vacation.
Me: Where do YOU want to go?
Wife: Hmm… Maybe the Bahamas?
Me: Great idea! And, I’LL go camping upstate!

@junejuly12

With sufficient velocity, any object can be an effective weapon. Unfortunately this kitten is not cooperating.

@_SingleBabyMama

If you’re feeling a little too good about yourself let your child take a pic of you laying on the couch. Tada! You are now Jaba the Hut.

@SCbchbum

Deep down, we’re all that one lady in 7-11 with her bathrobe on.

@Cpin42

I just called my boss and told him I have explosive diarrhea. It’s my day off, but I like to keep him informed.

@flashember

WIFE: This is dumb.
DAUGHTER: This is so stupid.
ME: This is getting out of hand!
THIS: [leaping out of my palm] I HATE YOU GUYS I’M LEAVING