Parent’s curfew with each child:
1st child: “be home by 10!”
2nd child: “alright you can stay out until midnight”
3rd child: “as long as I see you within 3-5 business days I honestly don’t care what time you’re home”I’m not mad ur mad
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“Well, this is me,” I say climbing into a plant so that we’re no longer walking in the same direction after saying goodbye
Friend: I wish this candy bar had less calories.
Me: Let me see it…
*eats half and hands it back*
…wish granted.
❒Single
❒Taken
✔ This claim is disputed!
I hate when people ask if my newborn is a “good baby” and I have to tell them that he cries a lot and about how he keeps robbing banks
[Arkham Asylum]
GUARD 1: that guy’s CRAZY *gestures to Joker’s cell*
JOKER: *using Bing instead of Google*
GUARD 2: *whispers* holy shit
Harder!
Faster!
A little to the left.
Yeah, that’s the spot.Me, watching my husband scrub the shower.
Me: am I pretty?
Cat: I mean compared to what?
Me: never mind
I had my arm bandaged all day because I got a large tattoo yesterday. So today coworkers were all, “WHAT HAPPENED?”
My answered ranged from “arm herpes” to “sex swing injury.”
Told my mom I hit 1200 Twitter followers. She pointed out how my brother owns a house and I’m wanted by several collection agencies. Oh ma!
{first date}
Me: On my ACTUAL first date, Brian Beckwith caught a turtle for me and kissed me on the cheek
Date:…
Me: I’ve been chasing that high since kindergarten
Date: *leaves*
I enjoy driving because it combines my desire to sit with my talent for being angry.
Your resume just says “falconer”
“And?”
Well, this is a bank
*falcon starts break-dancing*
“Not yet Tyler, wait until he offers us the job”
Therapist: ‘Sarcasm will get you nowhere.’
Me: ‘Actually, it got me to the National Sarcasm Championship game in Las Vegas back in 98.’
Therapist: ‘Really?’
Me: ‘No.’
This puppy is lit but those puppies are litter
“Omelet you finish,” -Kanyegg West
As an incredibly powerful, mostly evil, very attractive supernatural being, I have one weakness:
A female protagonist who has just turned sixteen and thinks there’s nothing special about her at all.
[getting murdered]
Hang on, let me clear my browsing history
This household only uses the finest of cat hair on its sandwiches.
“As the crow flies” means something entirely different when it’s “in your living room” and you are “hiding in the closet with your cat.”
My daughter helped make dinner and decided to cook the entire box of spaghetti so if any of you gets hungry in like the next month and half hit us up
I only put healthy stuff in my kid’s lunchbox so the teacher doesn’t judge me.
Why would I pay for a haunted house when I can wake up to my kid silently standing by my bed at 5 AM.
[About to have sex]
Girl: Do you have a condom?Me: Yeah
*bird screaching*
Girl: I said condom not condor
Me: *taking condom from bird’s beak* Good boy Rory.
Girl:
Me: Don’t you feel stupid now?
Him:When do you get off?
Me: Usually once you go to sleep
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: Oh you mean work? 6 o’clock Hun, see you then.
[hardware store]
Me: Let me do the talking. This is man stuff
Wife: Fine
Clerk: Can I help you?
Me: I need a whacker thingy to hit nails
[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one
Pete: I’m Pete
Peter: I’m Peter
Me, competitive: I’m Petest
*releases Olympic swimmer into the ocean*
You’re free now
I bought a whole set of Ninja cookware and now I can’t find them.
Dammit Chief not again