Parents don’t have “favorites.” We dislike all of our children equally.
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The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
“A picture is worth a thousand words.”
–anonymous“A thousand words is for amateurs.”
–children
Sugar is cheap. I want an avocado daddy.
operators are standing by to ignore your call
Give a baker flours on your first date.
Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”
[gets invited to a party where kids are welcome]
*me to my baby goat* This is your moment to shine!
Unchained Melody, but I have no idea how she got loose.
“Never let someone else destroy your stuff when you can destroy it yourself”, every kid I know
i wanna do one of those guy takes a picture of himself everyday for a year but i’m afraid people will be like wow he really wears that sweater a lot
Alas, my disappointment when I walked into Banana Republic and wasn’t greeted by Chancellor Banana Bananason
ARUGULA is my favorite vegetable whose name sounds like a car horn from the 50’s.
It’s really important to have things in common with your spouse, for instance my wife and I both despise my very existance.
twitter is cool because sometimes your random thoughts resonate with thousands of stupid losers
i like how at this walmart they put baby food products in the checkout lane. like oops thats right i have a baby to feed
Then it should stop looking so damn comfortable
[commercial for evaporated milk]
IS YOUR MILK TOO WET?
My dentist has a tremor. He’s a good dentist, but you just don’t know exactly what’s going to get fixed.
Yoda: In the Light Side, the real power is.
Luke: The Emperor controls the galaxy. You live in a swamp.
WIFE: I’ve child-proofed the house
*our child walks in*
ME: Yeah, great job, Linda
[on a first date]
Me: So do you like puppies?
Her: Oh I love them
Me: Ok, so we’ll both have the puppies
Waiter: Excellent choice, sir
Maybe we should put monkeys in charge for a while just to see how it goes.
If you run into an ex, impress them by pulling out a pocketwatch and saying “I should get back to my factory. I own a factory now.” Start puffing on a big cigar, you’re a fat cat now.
My phone went from fully charged to 10% while I was sleeping, so I guess it leads a more exciting nightlife than I do.
Alexa, show me where it all went wrong.
Boss: How were your weekends?
Steve: I coached my son’s soccer team
Alice: I helped friends move and volunteered at an animal shelter
Me: I dreamed my clothes were made of peanut butter and jelly
Some people wear a big oversize coat and a woolly hat, and look trendy. I wear a big oversize coat and a woolly hat, and look homeless.
HER: I’m breaking up with you..
ME: Is it because W e A re I N a Bl a k H o l e ?
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Forever thinking about the person 14 years ago who said earnestly (?) if they eat shrimp they get diarrhea “and vice versa.”
I feel I’ve done my best to tolerate lactose long enough.