Parents: Don’t play with sharp objects.
Parents in October: Here’s a knife. Now stab this pumpkin.
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Hold me like a guy holds a fish in his tinder pics, baby
me: I’m at the age where, if I drop something, I’ll just let it hit the floor instead of pulling a muscle trying to catch it
lady: can I have my baby back
Barista: can I get a name?
Me: sure, you can be “ugly coffee maker man”
Barista: no for you
Me: I’ll be “handsome coffee drinker guy”
You call it day drinking I call it very old grape juice in the morning
ME: i’ve never been to europe
SOMEONE WHO’S BEEN TO EUROPE: you should totally go
ME: now that i think of it, it’s only been my lack of desire, alone, that has ever inhibited me to go so ok why not
[my dog poops]
man: pick it up!
[my dog poops faster]
Brain: eat that entire pizza
Stomach: please don’t
Me: *eats pizza*
Stomach: i hurt so much
Me: i feel sick
Brain: eat that dessert
Me: okay
Stomach: oh my god
Parenting Tip:
Replace the word “nightmare” with “adventure”.
“This common core homework is an adventure for us both!”
“Grandma made us asparagus quiche so we can try an adventure meal!”
“Your endless harmonica practicing will haunt my deepest adventures.”
[being strapped to a medieval torture table]
“tbh not what I thought you meant when you said you were going to show me a nice rack”
8 yo: “Mommy, what did you want to be when you grew up?”
Me: “Not this tired.”
My toddler just introduced me to someone at daycare as her friend. Not sure how many friends would spend two days pushing you out of their body kiddo
me: I’m gonna work from home today
co-pilot: wait
Monday is a legitimate excuse for biting someone.
Twitter: You have 87 notifications
Me: Nice
Gmail: You have 7 emails
Me: Oh FOR THE LOVE OF CHRIST
Me [cracking open a beer]: Man, what a rough day.
Wife: IT’S 8 AM
A fortnight is equal to 14 nights. Unless you live in a fort; it is equal to one night. Fort math is only complicated to non-fort dwellers.
Noise-canceling headphones aren’t enough anymore. I need an emotion-canceling backpack. Existential dread-canceling cargo pants. A pair of shoes that makes me forget I exist.
Wheel of Fortune contestants in Canada should get to buy more vowels.
*Trying to converse at a party*
Me: Your hair and nails don’t really keep growing after you die- it’s that your skin is receding
Woman: Please stop talking and just make the balloon animals
Dig one moat around your house and everyone’s all “you’re being unreasonable” and “where did you get the alligators”
Previously On Persistence 😎
Asking for her hand in marriage means something entirely different if your name’s Frankenstein.
hey you guys, as a reminder, please don’t “save” couches if you find them outside. The mother is probably nearby and she will reject it if it smells like people.
Day drinking poolside. There’s literally nothing that could ruin this moment.
“MOMMY WATCH THIS!”
Tired: Clapping when the plane lands
Wired: Clapping when the Lyft arrives
My youngest just learned that he and his older brother have the same last name. He said, “You mean you never told me this?!” 😆
Cookie Monster have other things going. Whole life not just cookie.
Neighbor: OMG your yard looks amazing
Me: thanks, I pee in it every Saturday night
Note to self: just because my phone has a camera, that does not make me a photographer or a porn star.
Neighbor’s garden looking so good, I have peonies envy.