Parents: “If only there were a manual for this.”
Also parents: “How dare you tell me how to raise my kids, you piece of shit.”
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Absolutely travel with kids. It’s important they experience begging to watch their iPad in new environments
I miss the old days when I could say I wasn’t around and you couldn’t check Facebook or twitter to see if I was lying
The difference between a biography and an autobiography is self-explanatory.
#StillHurts
I pan fried chicken tonight.
On another completely unrelated note: the firemen in my town are gorgeoussssss.
[gently waking my Mom] I think I left my feather earring at bingo last night
I, too, enjoy McDonald’s sausage biscuits. We will dialogue further, you and I.
*feeding 2 stray dogs spaghetti*
WTF KISS ALREADY
Friend’s 3 yr old: DO YOU THINK I’M A DOLLAR BILL?!
Me:
Friend, *embarrassed*: He means “adorable”
Just saw Samuel L. Jackson order a couple of bagels. He paid for them and said thank you so basically now my whole life is ruined
“You need some sunlight on that pasty skin of yours”–says my mom as she cures me of social anxiety and crippling depression
Either you stay with a comedian, or you leave long enough to become part of their routine
Cleaning a house with children in it is like shoveling snow on the North Pole.
My son is playing his first soccer game tonight and I’m pretty stoked he wasn’t the first kid to start eating the grass
to revive an exhausted bee, leave out a little bit of sugar mixed with water
to revive an exhausted wasp, give it a cigarette and ask it if it really believes that god can kill it
Tree:
Tree Doctor: it’s a Tree house
Tree: oh no
Tree Doctor: you have humans
“With all due respect is the polite version of ‘listen here you little shit’”
I’m no body language specialist but I would interpret Gary Busey’s smile as saying, “I may or may not have eaten your parakeet.”
Today I saw a house that has a little replica of itself on the outside for some reason but THE LITTLE REPLICA ALSO HAS A LITTLE REPLICA WHAT IS THIS
[Spain, 1578]
“I’m not a witch!”
But all the cats?
“My pets!”
The broom?
“For cleaning!”
The cauldron of boiling children?
“Ok I’m a witch.”
[Lawyer]
“I can’t stress this enough. You cannot plead that you’re a wizard ok?”
“ok”
[Later in court]
“I plead that im a wizard your honor”
My axe boyfriend was a lumberjack.
I’m sorry.
Excuse me if ’condiment’ and ’commitment’ sound alike! I thought you just wanted some ketchup.
Whoever has my voodoo doll, would you please stop making me do the running man dance, i’m at work and it’s causing a scene
[me out of breath] yeah I might be shooting a rap video so what?
[wife home 20 mins early] is that why the dog is painted like a cheetah?
There’s a tornado warning and we’re about to hop into our blow up pool. If you see us fly by, please don’t hesitate to say hello.
Whenever someone calls me, instead of texting, I just assume they’ve had a horrific accident and have lost the use of their fingers & thumbs
incredible text to wake up to
My fashion sense has been described as “They probably won’t let you in like that” and “Are those your pajamas?”
To the max.. 😂
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