Parents: It’s unfair to put your toddler on a leash if you’re not going to also let them pee next to parked cars.
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*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*
You cold, bro?
my ex was like “i know a spot” then took me to the lowest point in my life
Wife: Why don’t you buy me flowers?
Me: I didn’t realise you sold them. Also why are you talking like a pirate?
i like my women how i like my basements, creepy and wet
I have no sense of decency. That way all my other senses are enhanced…
I’ve been anticipating all his needs and trying to be more on time with all of his demands. I really hope my cat picks me for employee of the month this time.
Not only are all my tweets stolen, but so are all my thoughts. And everything I say. And my identity. And this baby.
Surprise your girlfriend at work by wearing a ski mask and taking everyone hostage
Me: GIMME FUEL GIMME FIRE GIMME THAT WHICH I DESIRE
Barista: Once again, I’m going to need a specific coffee order
America: School 6-18 should be free. More than free! MANDATORY
“Hey can you cover school 19-22 also?”
No that’s socialism
“19-20?”
SOCIALISM
[first day as a vet]
Me: ma’am I’m afraid your horse has some of the worst cancer I’ve ever seen
Her: um this is a camel
Me: a what now??
Meow meow meow
[Wife comes home early]
MEOW!
*cats scramble to untie me from the torture rack*
THELMA I TOLD YOU THE CATS HATE ME I TOLD YOU
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My five year old keeps saying creditor when he means predator, and I can’t bring myself to correct him because tbh it works.
If you aggressively tailgate me in traffic, I will get over and let you pass. And then I’m gonna become your new best friend until one of us exits.
-Someone keeps phoning up pretending to be my grandmother. It’s a prank, I don’t know what else to call it.
-Shenanigan?
-Don’t you start.
My kids can be difficult sometimes, but my mom always assures me that I deserve it.
Me: It’s time for your nap.
6: I don’t wanna take a nap!!
M: First off, don’t talk back to me. Second, I was talking to me.
Day 1 of quarantine: I’m going to take this as an opportunity to improve my health
Day 2 of quarantine: Due to personal reasons, I am eating a lasagna in my shower
My husband is weird and enjoys drinking things out of jars and last night he 100% looked me straight in the face and said “we should open up our own coffee shop where we serve the coffee out of jars and call it Jarbucks”
Capri Sun taught me how to stab with accuracy.
A disloyal friend will shank you without hesitation, but a really good friend will think long and hard about it and then shank you.
I took up MMA to see what I’m made of.
It’s blood…I’m made of blood.
Getting up very early in the morning is a dawn thing task
*watching smart car washed away in a flood on the news*
If it was really smart it would know how to swim.
ME: how much for the Oompa Loompas?
HER: what? they’re not for sale!
ME: this is preposterous
HER: no, this is a daycare
Apparently when someone tells you they’re pregnant, “why” is not an acceptable response.
Thank God for butter because without butter all butterflies would be just flies and that sounds terrible.
Why do we never see “Side effects may include spontaneous happiness, explosive giggling, uncontrollable hugging, and diarrhea”?
[date smiles as I pour more wine] it’s like you’re trying to get me drunk for something brent [me selecting 2 players on mortal kombat] haha