parents love texting “call me as soon as you can.” then being like “i just wanted to know if you’d seen westworld”
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Catching up on last night’s crime shows, don’t spoil it….. does someone die? No, don’t tell me.
Science memes
Meeting a blind date at Starbucks. She said shell be wearing Uggs, a NorthFace Jacket, and yoga pants. I got her narrowed down to 47 girls.
There is nothing more enjoyable than watching a child being chased by a seagull.
OMG IT’S GOING TO KILL US ALL!!
~ My dog every time I use a broom
KID IN PARK [crying] I think my mum might of left me here
ME: Oh no!
WIFE: Talk to him
ME: Hey, listen kid *kneels down* it’s might HAVE
Someone asked me today what was the toughest thing about being a parent. I would have to say it’s the kids.
Had to go out in public so I put on lipstick before I remembered that’s not a thing anymore.
A recent study shows that 90% of all adults have a chronic or even fatal disease
The other 10% don’t use Web MD
I have a migraine and my stomach hurts. A fast food burger and fries should help.
The doctor told me that at some point I’ll have to stop partying and I said I’d cross that bridge and find a new doctor.
one mistake some cult leaders make is predicting armageddon will happen on a specific day. embarrassing to explain afterwards. if i ever lead a group of devoted followers i’d keep shit like that pretty vague
Babies won’t eat food unless they think it’s an airplane because all humans are born believing they’re godzilla.
No, they’re not called hedge funds because hedgehogs control the global economy. What a silly idea. 🙂
*later to thugs* They know too much.
If his selfie doesn’t make you kegal, you’re just not that into him.
Even if you’re fully vaccinated the CDC recommends finishing some of the books on your shelf before buying new ones
CEO of KFC: “We must always respect our customers. That is so important.”
Ian: “Shall we still serve them food in a bucket?”
CEO: “Yes.”
ONLY text me in an emergency. Like my car’s shooting flames from the trunk, one of my exes dies eventfully, or if someone thinks I’m sexy.
*jesus turns water to wine*
me: you can’t just insert goods into an economy you’ll cause deflation
Jesus: my child-
me: NO! it’s bullshit!
Santa Claus & his elves wouldn’t be able to wrap the gifts needed for all the children in the world quickly enough unless they had more limbs. Therefore, the logical conclusion is that they are all octopuses & the “North Pole” is actually the lost city of Atlantis. In this essay,
Me: How many times do I have to ask you to brush your teeth?
10: Why is it called a building if it’s already built?
Mario Kart gave me unrealistic expectations of how banana peels affect traffic.
For the record, I love my children unconditionally and no amount of diarrhea will ever change that.
Probably.
Yoga? No thank you. I’ll download an app to my phone so I don’t have to stretch for the remote.
toddler [getting ready to jump off the bed]
wife: Do something
me *takes phone out to record it*
wife: Do something else
My tall sister took the vodka out of the cupboards above the fridge.
I always thought those doors were just there for decoration.
My kids love playing pretend. My 9yo pretends to be a dinosaur and my 13yo pretends she doesn’t know us.
If you think I’m flirting with you, I’m just being friendly. If you think I’m weird and I make you uncomfortable, I’m flirting with you.
Son #1: How long have we owned this house?
Me: You mean how long have I owned this house.
S1: No, I mean we. We share it, right?
Me: [Mufasa voice] Look around you, son. Everything the light touches … belongs to me.