Parents: lying is bad
Also parents: if the ticket guy asks, you’re still 11
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Emotional Fruit:
The Grapes of Wrath
The Apples of Annoyance
The Cantaloupes of Cantankerousness
The Plums of Pique
The Raspberries of Rage
The Bananas of Just Really Happy to See You
I’m still waiting for the day my patents will say:
“It’s all fake son, we’re millionaires, this was just to teach you how to be humble.
If someone doesn’t respond to your text within 5 minutes, they obviously don’t love you anymore. Probably never did, react accordingly.
A moth is just a butterfly with glasses and its hair up.
They say a mind is a terrible thing to waste. You have nothing to worry about.
Have you ever considered shaving that beard and gluing it to your bald spot?
…
Oh! You meant a question about the job position!
Me, being chased by an angry mob with torches and pitchforks: Are you guys mad at me?
cw: (hanging up the phone) never get married.
me: why?
cw: that was my husband. he called to tell me about the gold panning kit he just bought on amazon.
Rights to name a newly discovered dinosaur will soon go up for auction. I can’t be the only one concerned about this poor thing that’s stayed hidden for millions of years getting named after a rapper.
COP: Do you know that you have an outstanding warrant?
ME: Well I didn’t know it was outstanding…..but I figured it was better than average
Adam: Eve, you read the terms and conditions before using that Apple product right?
Eve: Uh yeah, totally
Texting my boss to let him know how excited I am for work tomorrow
90% of my vocabulary is comprised of words I’m hoping you don’t realize I made up.
”Can’t touch this.”
“Can’t touch this.”
“Can’t touch this.”
–MC Hammer giving a Museum tour
Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I switched the laundry over yet.
If your tweet gets stolen and posted on Facebook…
It’s your own fault for not making it offensive enough!
I want to be gangsta but my grandma said no
*gets out of the pool*
*gets into another pool but it’s full of rice so i can dry off*
if someone asks you about yourself say “OK, sit down, this is going to be a really long story” then just wander off
Them: Where do you see yourself in 30+ years?
Me:
The platypus is what happens when you take a perfectly good concept and send it to network executives for notes.
wife: Why is there a broom in the driveway?
me: So your mom doesn’t have to borrow the car
Million dollar idea: make $100,000 ten times
I just asked my kids to jump into a bubbling magma pit.
Just kidding, I asked them to eat the dinner I cooked for them, but their reaction fits that magma scenario
Just took my girlfriend to the movies and now I’m $10,000 in debt.
Today is the 30 yr anniversary when I was single and my hot boss called me into his office so I spritzed on some perfume then went and he looked deep into my eyes
and asked if I was available Valentine’s Day and I said YES and he said, “Cool I need you to work that day.”
me: i wish i could have sex before i die
genie: granted
me: [873 years old] motherfu
Why non-smokers don’t take bubble blowing breaks is beyond me
The government was gonna impose martial law but a typo turned it into marital law, so now everyone is just passive aggressively coughing into one another’s soup while they watch 24-hour news channels in complete silence
words that seem cool until you find out what they mean
– atrophy
– space bar
– supervision
– extraction
– dogmatic