Parents: Never talk to strangers!
Also parents: Why don’t you have any friends?
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Don’t ask me! I’m 48 and still refer to it as a Choo-Choo Train.
The climate is probably out here trying to change for some man. Just be yourself, girl.
Today my husband ate margarine with a spoon. Long story short, I’m unable to see a future with him. We had a good run.
The toast is toasting in the toaster, because that’s where the toast toasts.
Nobody ever says “OMG I saw your twin!” and shows you a picture of somebody attractive. It’s always like “OMG I saw your twin!” and then it’s a picture of a half-eaten sandwich in the garbage
I just sung Mariah Carey’s “Hero” to myself because it seems no one else in this house can put a new roll of toilet paper on the thing.
So, apparently, “My old girlfriend liked it!” isn’t a good defense when your significant other doesn’t like the Taco Bell gift certificate you got her for Valentine’s.
What’s large, black and steals your credit cards?
Sony Playstation
interviewer: what do you mean you don’t have any
me [excitedly]: ask about weaknesses
If you turn the ceiling fan on high enough, you don’t have to sweep.
her: let’s make a baby
me: *getting the lego set from under the bed* ok
If cops used t-shirt guns instead of handguns they wouldn’t even need to tell criminals to put their hands up.
“Kill Bill” but it’s me hunting down whoever stole my sandwich from the break room fridge.
When I got my new jacket ,they said it was reversible. I tried it both ways ,but I had a hard time working the zipper behind my back
*after five days of storms with record rainfall remembers to turn off sprinkler system*
*grass dies due to lack of water*
Mashed, baked or roasted? I could be asking either how you prefer your potatoes or how you like to spend your weekends.
Me: Anyone seen my black shoes?
12yo: If you put them away when you took them off, you’d know where they are.
Someone likes to live life dangerously.
The free hotel blow-dryer should be easier to get off the bathroom wall.
“You’d better run, egg!”
Wait a minute—if the cat’s in the cradle, then where—
*baby in kitchen, pushing glasses off table while maintaining eye contact
If you run out of pet names for your partner, just call them assorted baking ingredients: sugar, honey, cinnamon, vanilla, garlic powder, Montreal steak seasoning, butter, pumpkin.
Some people will tell you mosquitoes and spiders play an important role in nature and I’m here to tell you we don’t need those people either
“But you just went pee”
– A Family Vacation Memoir
getting a brazilian wax is just getting the rug pulled out from under you
judas: i would never betray jesus he’s the best
jesus: my favorite movie is the Minions Movie
judas: i am going to betray the son of God
*relates to your tweet in the wrong way*
[Last day of school for the year]
Kids: Yay!
Parents: [checking to see when first day of school is]
If you took a billionaire’s money away, they would just earn it back again. Cream rises to the top.
I’m so confident about this, I think we should prove it by taking all the billionaires’ money away.
Sex so vanilla Baskin-Robbins names an ice cream after it.
One thing they teach in nursing school is when your patient is being questioned by police, to step in with “that’s enough for today, he needs to rest” right after he gives a key piece of information, but one sentence short of him telling the whole story.