parents, please remember to teach your children not to talk to strangers, you know how boring your children are
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[taking my date for a walk in the woods]
HER: this sure is a dense forest
ME [trying to impress]: yeah it’s dumb as hell
Google reviews are always so mixed..
GOD: u wanna go back to earth?
JESUS: why
GOD: to absolve man of sin
JESUS: ehh
GOD: you’d get two birthdays
JESUS: let me get my coat
An autocorrect with a pulse is called a wife.
Instagram now has video! I’m going to film the hell out of this salad!
How do you get the farmer’s daughter to fall in love with you?
A tractor.
What’s the name of that Adam Sandler’s movie were he plays an immature adult?
“I need to buy a book for school before tomorrow.”
~ Kids, at 10pm Sunday night
Once dated a girl name Lolly just so I could introduce her to my dad & say “This is Lolly, Pop.” Broke up with her like 5 minutes later.
“Trump is a good businessman” He has a failed steak biz, a failed vodka biz & failed casinos. HOW DO YOU SCREW UP STEAK, VODKA & GAMBLING
New bird on my deck today. Not in my bird book. Will eat seed. Will not fly. Concerned may be hurt.
DOG: [looking out the window] wat a beautiful mornimg! the sky is grey, the grass is grey, the birds are grey and readey to eat,
Be the reason why your priest clutches their rosary when they look at you.
If your mother in law and your father in law were both engulfed in flames, and you only had one fire extinguisher,
where would you hide it?
*sharing a box of cereal with the cat*
Me: Frosted Lucky Charms
Cat: They’re magically deliciOH, uh MEOW
Every room is a panic room if someone over 40 in there ate cheese in the last hour
Me: “If I need another drink, do you prefer if I rattle my glass or snap my fingers?”
Her:
My doctor asked me how many drinks I have each week. Who keeps track of that? I said I was an alcoholic, not a mathematician.
Mickey Mouse: Hey, so I’m seeing someone now.
Donald Duck: Me too.
Mickey: What’s she like?
Donald: Me. But with a bow.
Mickey: Sounds hot.
What if animals “were” injured in the making of a film. Do they list that in the credits? Tim hurt one monkey. He is very sorry.
[buying a wood chipper]
ME: So does blood splatter everywhere when a body goes in?
SALESMAN: What?
ME: What?
You’re the last hot dog on the rollers at 7-11 of people.
[product design]
CEO: I want our dry grocery items to have built-in Ziploc closures
me: OK should they be easy to open?
CEO: absolutely not
I think the ideal solution to my problems would be for me to get tenure. I don’t know exactly what tenure is but I think it could really turn things around for me.
I think I finally found your G-Spot. It’s been in my wallet the whole time.
Don’t advertise “All You Can Eat” then drag me out kicking and screaming with fists full of shrimp.
*Food hits floor*
Little Germs: “Let’s get it!”
King Germ: “No!!! We must wait 5 seconds……”
Never understood football. If I wanted to watch people run into each other I would just go to the mall on a Saturday.
My wife is terrified of thunderstorms. The banging outside the window is horrendous, but if we let her in she’ll just get the dog all wet.