Parents, raise your kids well, or they grow up to be like your coworkers.
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Treat her right or Pete Davidson will.
Me: Hey, do you want to –
My 13 Year Old: No.
A National Treasure where Nicholas Cage has to find the model number on a 15 year old dishwasher.
Well, time to go to bed & remember that I started and abandoned a huge organizing project that involved putting a bunch of stuff on the bed.
All toilet seats can be heated toilet seats if you push people off them and sit real fast.
[girlfriend finally texts back]
ME: i’m so mad at you.
HER: i’m naked come over.
ME: i’m not really mad i was jk lol omw babe
Running is the best way to remind yourself how much you love sitting.
guys named stephen “can’t ephen.”
Granny said “alright now, if she fall that’s it for me” 😭
DR: Your cholesterol is high. What have you been eating?
ME: Mostly cholesterol.
The strangers on this cruise are getting really sick of me eavesdropping and interrupting with “I’m in the same boat.”
Something touched my leg while in the ocean and apparently I can walk on water now
[Biologists naming Eels]
b1: ocean sneks
b2: bitey noodles?
b3: what do the dolphins call them again?
[on the way home]
Me: I have some tea to share with you
13, looking super confused: can, can I have it?
Me: no, tea as in like gossip
13: what, what brand is that?
[at olive garden]
waiter: welcome to the garden, what’ll it be
me: olives
waiter: ok
[first day as funeral director]
this is the dress she wants to be buried in
“It’s very pretty but we highly suggest a coffin”
*wears an “Only God Can Judge Me” t-shirt to court*
“Ive fallen ill with Coronavirus”
-panic inducing
-everyone will think you don’t wash your hands“I’ve been coronated”
-not as scary
-are you royalty?
-can I borrow your crown?
-you can’t probably marry a celebrity now
Tomorrow’s forecast seems ominous.
Well, shit
I read that peacocks “are obsessed with food and can become extremely aggressive when you dangle french fries in front of them”.
See you all later. I’m moving in with my new family now.
Returning to the office, after working from home for 18 months, and all I worried about was would I have enough snacks to get me through the day
Sometimes twitter makes sense and other times, people are blocking Mr. Peanut. Stop being so weird, y’all.
A penguin’s resolutions:
-learn to fly
-slap Todd everytime he says “Cold enough for you?”
-get a girl to let me put her egg between my feet
I dropped a bottle of ketchup on my foot yesterday…
it caused severe pain…
to… ma… toes…
What if I just start doing things that make me happy? Nahhhh can’t dispose of that many dead bodies.
My doctor says I shouldn’t brush my teeth. I guess that’s why he’s not a dentist
date: i want a good listener
superman: 🙂
date: who can see inner beauty
superman: 🙂
date: and looks good in glasses
clark kent: 🙂
date: wait what the hell
me: like taking candy from a-
giant baby: no no, please go on
on this day in 2001 my roommate picked up the phone and canceled at 93% my Napster download of Ms. Jackson by Outkast that had been going for 11 hours