Parents should get hazard pay for sleeping in the same bed with a toddler
You Might Also Like
I like the song Cake by The Ocean
I just read this is their euphemism for “sex on the beach”You offer me cake
and there damn well
better be cake
ME: wow your correct
FRIEND: *you’re
ME: -ions are presumptuous
I would walk 500 miles
And I would walk 500 more
Just to be the man who
Walked a thousand miles
To throw up on your door
Always keep your head up and stand proud! That way your double chin won’t show in your pictures.
Do you think swordfish are down there just jousting each other with their face all day or what
Whoever got my Steam account for Christmas plz realize those Japanese dress up games are for research only, I don’t enjoy them. Plz understa
Dog owners: this is my precious angel boy who I payed $3,000 for last November and I finally got to take him today he’s my everything and all
Cat owners: this is my trash gremlin she was stuck in the gutter across the street and I lured her out with shrimp on a string
As I get older, I don’t refer to myself as “well seasoned”.
I’m more “fermented”.
btw the stereotype of americans i have run into the most so far in europe is that americans work themselves to death for nothing
Im gonna tell my daughter to lay off the liquor, cause I love her! (…and I dont want her to mess up her kidneys before I need one)
There should be a guy with a leaf blower to dry my hands in the washroom at Home Depot.
How bad is it for Prince Andrew? Under today’s Royal Decree he’s banned from eating Burger King, Dairy Queen or Duke’s Mayo.
god: next up for 2020-
angel: crap, what now?
god: tornadoes FULL OF SHARKS
angel: i’ll get legal
*94K tweets later* I’m really a very private person
ME, my last day as a doctor: Sir, your sugar is dangerously high. You need to eat less… *checking the notes on my hand*… crabs.
Treat your woman like a princess. Spice up your relationship & have her kidnapped. Then do mushrooms & swim through the sewers to find her.
Nice try, operating instructions. Nice try.
I’ve got this.
*grabs a hammer*
If you mean sleeping all day and only speaking to demand meals then yes, my teen has cat-like reflexes
Scary is handing your car keys to the same kid who unintentionally locked himself in the bathroom that morning.
Sleep is just something clowns made up so they can eat you.
The human body is incredible. Right now, if I so desired, I could do 15 percent of a backflip and wreck my shit right here on the sidewalk.
My autobiography will be a single piece of paper that says ‘Ugh’
It’s so hot outside, Kermit just replaced Miss Piggy’s sunscreen with honey glaze
7yo: “Who’s singing this?” Me: “Franz Ferdinand.” 7yo: “But, he died in 1914.” Me:
Fruit doesn’t belong in ice cream. You’re eating the ice cream to get away from that.
I drink so much coffee, people feel jittery when they see a picture of me.
Remember those kids that used no tear shampoo? Well, they never learned to cry and now they’re all sociopaths. Nice going L’Oréal
[my first exorcism]
Possesed girl: *contorting body like a spider owl hybrid *
Me: weird flex but okay let’s get started
Finding out that the majority of microplastics come from tire dust should be a call to rethink our push for electric cars, and consider the environment-friendly potential of moving castles
I remember when spring break meant a week on Padre Island parting with my friends, and now it’s spent hoping my kids aren’t on Padre Island partying with their friends.