Parents, stop giving your kids these crazy names. I just found a love letter my son wrote to a girl named “Steven!”
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Crying is a sign of leakness.
If I had any self control I’d probably eat that too.
I banged my toe really hard on the sofa, and now it won’t stop texting me.
That thing where I write “I” when it should be “me” because I’m not sure but I think “I” is always the smarter sounding option but it’s just flat out wrong in this situation and now I’ve exposed my stupidity to smarter people than I.
i hate i t when girls think im proposing whenever i take the knee at them in protest
lol so today this bookstore is having what could be its first health & safety inspection in about 258 years and reader I am crying with laughter
they sent a very helpful man who started off super cheery but 1 hour later is acting like he’s trapped in a SAW movie
The neighbors are looking at me strangely again. Like they have never seen a man sitting on his roof with a pair binoculars before.
Shoutout to my upstairs neighbours for finding a loophole in the ‘no elephants’ clause in their lease
I’m constantly amazed that only 26 letters in the alphabet can produce so much bullshit.
The earth is moving, plz stop giving credit to the sun for rising
Have kids so instead of just having a peaceful morning you can argue with your 3 y/o about why he can’t lock his younger brother outside in the rain.
listen, if your girl ever has to move home for a few weeks to save a family business whilst in the company of a charming slacker she once had a crush on in high school, you’re gonna have a bad time
This morning I jogged for 30 swear words.
What’s the proper etiquette for when someone cancels plans? Should I send them a thank you card?
Hey, my eyes are up here.
Nope. Higher.
– snails, probably
Ugh my boyfriend’s all “Stop asking my Dad if he likes your underoos” and “Stop snap-chatting my Mom” and “Stop calling me your boyfriend”
Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene routine are really unnecessary.
Beware of girls like Princess Peach. She seems cool at first but she ends up in some other dude’s castle far too often to be a coincidence.
cant wait for y’all to be released from the shackles of birthday dinners
My company does this icebreaker thing where every week a different person sends an email to the whole company talking about their average day, and today’s coworker started his “I wake up each day furious to be laboring under capitalism” and it has caused quite a stir.
Met a cute guy named Jack.
I grabbed his hand and dramatically said, “I’ll never let go, Jack!”
He quickly left. It’s okay though. My heart will go on.
PET SHOP OWNER: So would u like a puppy for your son?
ME: Yes[home]
WIFE: Where’s Tommy?
ME [with a puppy] ok so they offered me this deal
When I’m having a bad day nothing sets me off quite like trying to pull one wipe out of the container and 47 more coming with it
My 9-month-old ate part of her sister’s math worksheet and now we’re waiting to see if she passes algebra.
Me *Happily comes home from the hairdresser with fresh highlights and cut.
Bf: So what did they do to it?
Animals…..
Hey what are you looking at don’t you have anything better to do it’s only an panda having a nice bath ok…..😏😉
got up early enough to go on a 10 mile run, lift weights, and stretch before having a healthy breakfast, i mean i didn’t do any of that but i definitely got up early enough to
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, if you drive a Nissan but don’t call it Liam then what is even the point of you
If George W. Bush was the president of France today, he would declare war on Finland.
“It’s beautiful today. Let’s work outside.”
*5 mins later*
“This was a terrible idea.”
*more bees disrupt the open heart surgery*