Parents, talk to your kids about drugs. Teach them organic chemistry. Obtain a research grant. Put big pharma out of business together
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Why are the pyramids in Egypt?
Bc they were too heavy to carry to the British museum.
Only 2 kids made it out of my Jedi class.
One killed the padawans.
The other was abandoned in the desert
I’m dreading that class reunion.
*talking to a baby*
Me: Can you say ‘dog’
Baby: *patronizingly* Can you say ‘Worcestershire’
[supermarket – empty shelves]
me: everyone is hordeing
her: I think you mean hoarding
me: *watching the Mongol army massing on the horizon* I know what I mean
If you ever have 17 hours to kill, ask someone freshly inked what their tattoo means.
If you give me a hard time about being out of shape I will bury you in a shallow grave. A very, very, shallow grave
“Wearing horizontal stripes will make you look bigger and really stand out.”
Young Waldo: (whispering) Some day I’ll prove you wrong.
The Apple Watch may become so addictive it keeps people from looking at what’s truly important in life, like their iPhones.
According to this box of cereal I am a family of 13 eating breakfast
nobody is putting drugs in your kids halloween candy. tell them to get jobs and buy their own.
LITTLE BO PEEP: I’ve lost my sheep! I can’t remember where to find them!
DOCTOR: Sounds like Lambnesia
[medusa’s husband sighing and pulling a wad of snakes out of the shower drain]
to everyone who met me 5 years ago im sorry i was hacked
Tonight I have taught my 2yr old a very valuable lesson.
He now knows that chips can be used to eat guacamole.
My bank balance is a gentle reminder that in a few years my twins will have to battle it out for one college place!
Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis
I just used one of those plastic grocery dividers to let my wife know exactly where the middle of the bed is.
[job interview for garbageman]
interviewer: I like your enthusiasm, you’re hired
Three raccoons in trench coat: [ecstatic chittering]
To prepare yourself for having a kid: Every night before bed say to your phone “Siri, Set an alarm. Surprise me.”
Growing up, I had lots of nicknames but my best would always be ‘Officer! That’s him over there’… It gave me my sprinter’s physique.
If you stand too close to me in the check out line, you may as well pay for my stuff while you’re breathing down my neck.
My mom just told me my Gram’s church is doing drive up confessions. The priest stands 6 ft away and you shout your sins out the window. You have the option to make the priest wear a blindfold.
Mom: Gram wasn’t happy when I started laughing. Dad keeps shouting sins across the room
The seven year old I work for just informed me my haircut makes my hips look wider, so I have that going for me.
You can’t have your cake and thigh gap too.
Death hack: bury your loved ones with their fitness trackers for a low-cost early zombie alert system.
After being raised on Disney movies I’m very disappointed how few adult problems can be solved by a good song and dance
Me: Maybe I’ll go out tonight
Depression: No, you will cry yourself to sleep instead
Anxiety: It’s my turn and I want you to have a full blown panic attack
Stress Eating: Guys, let’s play together
Welcome to Lion Tamer School. Everyone grab a chair. Good… good. You’re all halfway to becoming Lion Tamers now.
To be fair, “old-fashioned” doesn’t necessarily mean racist; it could also mean sexist.