Parents, talk with your children about the importance of saving frequently so they won’t have to restart at the beginning of the level.
You Might Also Like
The year is 2087. We finally have flying cars. Grey’s Anatomy has been on for 82 years.
Sounds about right! 💯
🌐
me as a new nurse trying to help out in a code
My daughter said, “You’re the best mommy ever!”
I’m really proud that she’s learning sarcasm at such a young age.
Your metabolism after age 40 is like, “Nah, I like you fat.”
Diarrhea awareness week starts today. Runs through Sunday.
She danced her way into his heart.
-She was doing the robot tho, so she looked like an idiot.
[on phone with quit smoking coach]
coach: give me 3 triggers you have that make you want a cigarette so we can work on coping skills
me: wow, i’m lucky! i only have 1
coach: that’s great! what is it?
me: being awake
My wife never catches me scoping out the hot chick because she’s too busy judging the hot chick.
Eggplants do not taste as purple as they look
Your preoccupation with Hugh Jackman, Hugh Grant and Hugh Laurie is irritating. Why do you have to make everything about Hugh?
If we’re on a road trip and you don’t point out a cow when we see one you will have to get out and walk. Those are the rules. No exceptions.
Marriage is alright if you like someone coming home and telling you about their day in the middle of your movie
The IBS drug commercial that mentions “urgent diarrhea” implies there’s also a laid back, non-urgent form of diarrhea that I’ve never had.
Wolfman: *Drinks a Coors Light* Noooooo!
Me: OMG you’re dying because Coors Light is called The Silver Bullet?
Wolfman: No this beer is just gross.
My dad left to get a pack of cigarettes 30 years ago and still hasn’t come back. That’s why I never started smoking. I just don’t have the time.
“Write this down.”
[Moses grabs tablet]
“Thou shalt have no other Gods bef-”
“Slow down, fella. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’.”
I climbed on this seesaw with Rick Astley 3 hours ago.
*sigh
He’s never gonna let me down.
Counsellor: what’s the reason for your lack of self confidence?
Me: my girlfriend is always trying to put me down
Counsellor: why is that?
Me: she’s a vet
Therapist: So what are your coping mechanisms?
Me: I blame astrology for all of my problems in life instead of taking any responsibility.
Therapist: That’s not very healthy…
Me: Well, I’m an Aries, so 🤷♀️
Ok, I’m disowning my entire family so that means y’all are my family now!
…I’m gonna need a head count for Thanksgiving, ok?
Year 2142: Meat eaters have died out. Vegans survive.
2143: Everyone is dead b/c the vegans couldn’t tell anyone else that they were vegan.
As the day goes on, coworkers start appearing more flammable.
*deleted Titanic scene*
Jack: don’t worry Rose, fat floats
Rose: so do doors with only ONE person on it!!
Me: I’m gluten free and lactose intolerant
Them: so what do you eat?
Me: mostly cheese.
“WHAT?! YOU NEVER TOLD ME!”
– My 7yo, hearing he has a middle name for the millionth time.
Me: People who are superstitious about the number 13 are silly. It’s just a number.
Also me: *cannot have the total amount on a gas station pump end in anything but an even number or the number 5*
keep your circle small. bridesmaid’s dresses are expensive.
me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar
him: that’s a mandolin
The worst part of having kids is doing all the math you never thought you’d see again.