Parents that need to reheat coffee are adorable.
Hardened parents will chug it cold, or chew straight up coffee grounds; they’re desperate.
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My skin is so dry it’s doing a PowerPoint presentation
My grandmother was parking on the street and I kept giggling. She finally asked me why, and I just said “paralleloGram.”
Making spaghetti for dinner tonight, so I’ll only have enough for about 37 of you guys if you decide to come over… make your reservations quickly
*hears wife and son come home*
*suddenly remembers I was supposed to pick him up*
i’m “my bladder is my alarm clock” years old.
Finally shaved my armpits and found the factory reset button
Pro tip: when you’re on your way home, don’t answer your phone.
Someone wants you to stop at the store.
Me: “My wish is have a nice quiet retirement in a little house by the water.”
Genie:
Might see you guys in 15-25yrs. Weekend with my folks & it’s only a matter of time before I snap.
Therapist: Why are you here?
Me: Ahh, the great existential question. Why are any of us-
Therapist: No, I mean your appointment is tomorrow.
You better watch out
temp agency: we only have positions for nights available right now
a dragon: i see
neurosurgeon: *turning my head upside down to shake out a pebble*
Me: *screaming*
HELP!! AHHHH! HELP! I CAN’T SEE!!Him: Are you stuck in your sweater again?
Me: *muffled voice*
Maybe.
duolingo: he is a boy
me: él es un niño
duolingo: she is a girl
me: ella es una niña
duolingo: can i make it anymore obvious
me: puedo—wait
Not many people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist that experimented with cadavers.
His name was Frank
I got everyone a pet snake for Christmas but you have to catch it, they’re in my house, they’re everywhere, please come get your snake.
How to draw a duck
Accepting donations for my opossum’s quinceanera.
I gave a man a fish. I taught a man to fish.
Fish aren’t all that happy with me right now.
Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.
Should we be concerned about where Home Depot keeps getting these 12 foot skeletons?
My 4-year-old poked my gut and remarked, “Daddy, there’s a baby in there…?”
That was last night and I still haven’t recovered
Stars! They’re just like us! Gaseous and dying
Him: I’m gonna throw you over my shoulder, carry you into the bedroom, toss you onto the bed, and have my way with you…
Me: Ok but on the way to the bedroom, can we swing by the fridge?
Woke up with the sinuses of an English bulldog.
Friend: What are you doing this weekend?
Me: Amusement Pork.
Friend: You mean Amusement Park?
Me: No, I don’t.
“Dad?”
“Yes, son?”
“Where do Cowboys come from?”
“Well, son. When a cow and a boy love each other very, very much…”
Dear websites I don’t give a shit what you do with my cookies right now
Person: What are you doing?
Me: Looking at owl callers. It’s skunk mating season. I want to discourage them from my yard. Owls are their predators. I COULD use an owl call but it’s also OWL mating season. I could end up with A LOT of owls
P: You win weirdest problem of the day