Parents these days take their kids to the E.R for scraped knees and paper cuts..
When I was 11 I died and my mom told me to walk it off
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When my 4 year old asked where babies come from my toddler immediately responded, “mail man.” Now I feel like I owe my husband a phone call and we need to cut back on our online shopping.
Roses are red
Lemons are bitter
I should be working
But instead I’m on Twitter#NewEndingsToRosesAreRed
When I die, I’m donating my body to the theater department. The science department has enough bodies. I want to be a theater prop.
Time for my annual harsh but true fitness assessment in the Target fitting room 🙁
her: this is the worst date EVER
me: ugh. i told you not to eat the pit
Don’t believe anything a weatherman says until he takes off the jacket and rolls up the sleeves.
High school teachers: “Your college profs aren’t going to be as lenient as we are.”
College profs: “Sorry I’m late I didn’t want to come.”
Me: Hi Gammy.
Her: Do I know you?
Me: When did she get amnesia?
Sister: She doesn’t have amnesia. She owes you money.
– What have you come as?
– A Werewolf.
– But… they’re your normal clothes.
– It’s not a full moon.
I’m starting to think the sharks on “Shark Week” eat people just to get on tv.
This morning my neighbor put a note in my letterbox telling me off for honking my horn to say goodbye to my kids at 9am yesterday
This evening, I’m learning to play the drums
Me eating a dish that took me 17 ingredients and 4 hours of my day to make: This is pretty good!
Me eating bread with butter: I would fight god for this.
Robber: Give me your phone and don’t try anything funny. *looks at my tweets* Ok, I see that you haven’t.
My daughter had a spider in her room but she lost it, and now she wants to move. I told her to stop being dramatic and she would probably just swallow it tonight so nbd
“What’s the worst that could happen?” I ask my son, as we enter the bear enclosure in matching Winnie the Pooh costumes
[watching Friends]
NIECE: I love this show
ME: aw I loved it when I was ten too *ruffles her hair* you are gonna have such unrealistic expectations for how close your adult friendships will be
Could you Christian rock singers please invest in a thesaurus. I think God is fully aware by now that you think he is “great” and “awesome.”
The dog hair situation became dire and I had to lint-roll my face.
My inability to pronounce Spanish names makes me sad, and I’m not even Jaoquin.
[opening birthday cards]
me: [disappointed] there’s no money in any of these
walmart clerk: put those back
Marine biologists are just like regular biologists, only they have to do 20 push-ups after every experiment.
girlfriend: I’m sick of you having no sense of direction
me: where did that come from
Me: Hey, wanna feel really old?
Friend: Yeah?
Grandma: Stop telling people to poke me you little shit!
Survivor 1: “Help! I can’t swim! I’m drowning!” Survivor 2: “I have a buoy, friend.”
“it must’ve gone to my spam folder” and other lies I tell at work
My childhood has prepared me for a lot more bear-related pic-a-nic-basket thefts than I’m currently experiencing.
Mattel is launching a new Twitter Barbie. She looks like a stunning hot blonde on the package but is an old fat guy when you open the box
Jigsaw: If you want to leave you’re gonna need to…
Me, psyched about missing work: Nah, I’m good here.
If u havin girl problems i feel bad for u son
jery had 73 girlfriends throughout seinfelds run