Parents. Top tip for getting to school on time. Go without them.
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oh nowwww everyone wanna know what introverts do for fun
heck is a place for people who don’t believe in gosh. danged for eternity.
Having children teaches you patience, humility, love and to never, ever, be surprised when you find a Barbie doll leg clogging the toilet.
the human has been working from home the last couple days. and every so often. they let me participate in the video calls. all the other humans cheer when they see me. i am the only thing holding their company together
Oh, you didn’t have any taste before Covid either, honey
Me: [buys six boxes of Girl Scout Cookies outside store]
[Later]
Me [walking into house]: Hey I bought a box of Girl Scout cookies.
Check for bed bugs by yelling “Gee, I’m so happy there are no bed bugs here!”, and if you hear faint giggling, set the bed on fire.
I wonder if tap dancers walk into a room, look at the floor and think, “I’d tap that.”
I was going to wash my car in my driveway but then I realized I don’t own a halter top or cut-off shorts.
Dammit.
Smoothies- the art of selling half a banana and a peach for £3.50.
#RubbishJokes #JokeDay
#FridayVibe
Big Sex has us all fooled
[Calling a guy for the 1st time]
Him: Hello
Me: Helloooooo!!! *in Mrs. Doubtfire’s voice*
*panics, hangs up*
I’m walking more to lose weight in order to help my knees feel better. Walking more is making my knees sore.
The moral of the story?
Don’t have knees.
when I order a bagel I have them butter the outside too so I can just let it slide down my throat like I’m a pelican
My wife has already mentally eaten half my fries before I’ve even ordered.
Jeff Bezos could afford to buy one large candy bar for every American on Halloween but he doesn’t
Emails now be like: I hope you are staying safe, sheltered in place, stocked with toilet paper, and healthy during these absolutely unprecedented, wild, chaotic, terrifying times. Just wanted to follow up-
Aww, I feel bad for never letting you win. Here, you can have my Playstation, my Xbox 360, and my Nintendo Switch!
*sniff* Don’t try to console me
*asks Zumba instructor to sign my pizza permission slip*
computer: choose a password
me: TheScarletLetter
computer: password cannot contain symbols
*Decision made
I was thinking of being narsysistic.
But I can’t spell it.
So I’m going to be vein.
FAMILY REUNION ORGANIZER: Thanks again for coming, it means a lot to us all.
FRANKENSTEIN’S MONSTER: I’m sorry I gotta run, but I have like 3 more of these just this week.
*wakes up*
*looks at clock*7:42 am
*gets out of bed*
*remembers it’s Saturday*
*smiles*
*lies back down*Dog: “Oh good, you’re up!”
A lot of people have asked me what happened to my 25-year-old boyfriend. I’m sorry to say that eventually (I believe) he did turn 26
Welcome to your 40’s: that kid acting like your doctor, is your doctor.
*aggressively puts Hello Kitty stickers on random Harley Davidsons*
What if we joined gangs based on our favorite pasta shape?
Me: Now remember, just let me do all the talking.
Wife:
Marriage counselor:
Me: I think we’ve made a lot of progress here today.
Until zoom life I had no idea how many people dig in their ear.
I saved a ton of money on tattoos by just pretending my varicose veins are ancient Chinese proverbs